life is as complicated as you make it. and as upsetting as your reaction to things out of your control.

I have a hard time accepting I am broken. after my accident I have, perhaps, been a tad naive to how my body would heal itself. that surely, if I just keep pushing through the pain, I will be just fine. the hardest part is accepting being cripple. that no amount of money, doctors, therapists, massages or yoga will put my body back together in the time frame I want it to.

two months after the fact I became unable to move, walk or do just about anything. and when the pain finally became blinding, I gave in to pain medication and spent a week crying in my soup on the island. the beating stormy sleeting storm outside coincided with how I felt about life and my prospects. being an able bodied healthy adult, when my health is suddenly taken away, hardest struggle is how to forgive myself, how to let go and how to accept the things I cannot change.

I finally have become numb to the upset of what I might have to give up soon. but I am clinging to hope that surely, this can’t be the end of it. I refuse to give up without a fight. even though perhaps the part of not accepting that I am broken and need recovery has been the very thing keeping me in pain.

I had a break through in my therapy last saturday when I finally stopped being angry, upset and sad about my state and listened to my body. after I spent the morning hobbling around downtown helsinki and holding my back, I laid down on my yoga mat and let it take me where ever it wanted to go. I didn’t have a routine in mind, I didn’t push my body into poses that hurt. I allowed my pain to lead me. after an hour or two of strething and prodding and poking at every aspect of my body, spending time exploring where it hurts and where it might not.. I found something. inside my abdominal cavity on the right side I found a muscle that seemed more like a summer sausage. it was hard like a rock. when I pushed and prodded it, I felt tugging on my lower back where it hurts. I then spent hours pouring over the internet what this muscle is, how it’s connected and how does it function, and then, how to stretch it.

I discovered several text book examples that were word for word exactly how my body is twisted and how my lower back arches too far forward. the way it hurts to walk, and how my body is pulled into certain position. the psoas and her friends.

saturday night, for the first time in weeks, I was able to have intermittent moments of pain free walking. but most importantly, I could walk without stabbing sharp pain in my back. this small moment gave me hope, lifted my spirits and turned my outlook on life.

I am still in pain. obviously. but when I do my stretches I can walk again.

the sun came out after weeks of grey and rain.