putting things into perspective

after dropping him off at the airport, I couldn’t face the void of going home and moping around. I drove to missoula instead to ski and party with Britt and to see other old friends. does the heart good. on the drive there, I had to remind myself that my life is amazing and I have a lot of fantastic friends. and I am surrounded by love. it’s an odd feeling tho, when previously the things you loved and enjoyed so much, all of a sudden feel like a poor substitute. because your whole being aches from the void.

I made it home just in time on saturday to chop some fire wood and dress up for the dirt bag ball. probably had the most fun yet. I know so many people now in the crowd that it’s just a lot of fun when all your friends are tripping and partying. especially when you’re wearing the swiss miss outfit with cowboy boots and american tights.

there are days when it’s easier. then there are times when my heart aches so much I feel sick. random times when I start crying and say out loud to myself “I miss you so much”. Skiing around without him is a painful experience. it’s all fine and dandy when I’ve got my friends around me and we’re skiing big lines. but as soon as I am back to skiing alone, it hits me.

yesterday I took a minute after skiing three forks. standing on top of whitetail, stopped to look down to the empty basin below. hoping, with every fiber of my being, that I would see him. welling up thinking about having him around me. behind me. with me. present. always there.

until suddenly he is gone and there’s a massive void all of a sudden. a space you didn’t know existed, but everything in your life expanded to create that space, that now when it’s empty you feel like you can’t breathe.

it’s remarkable. to be filled with two such conflicting feelings. overwhelming love for another human being. and with deep sadness of loss and impossibilities. the kind of love that makes you want to spend every waking moment with him. and startlingly, knowing how much he wants the same. he wants to watch you, touch you, cook dinner with you, sleep with you, hold you and take care of you. he wants you. every inch of you.

it’s good to come up for air. distance gives you the startling realization that you actually fell completely in love this winter. in a way you didn’t think was possible anymore. in a way that makes you go, holy shit, he’s the person I’ve always been looking for. he’s the real deal. he’s my skiing partner. the guy I am proud to stand next to in the tram line. one I will happily and publicly call my boyfriend. and the guy, that I could care less what my family thought of him, or his dirt bag redneck appearance. because to me it really doesn’t matter. he makes me happy and I am quite in love with his handlebar mustache. I love everything about him. we’ve had a lot of good times together.

for nearly two months we have been attached at the hip. haven’t done this sorta thing with anyone since I turned 32. haven’t felt this close to anyone.

if people only knew the kind of connection we have and how much fun we have together. we think alike and we are the same. life is easy with him. sometimes he keeps me in bed in the morning for extra hours for sex and cuddling. I don’t fight back much.

he leaves tomorrow. our honeymoon is over. and it’s ok. it will be good to come up for air. and it will be good to miss him and see this thing from a dictance.

he said yesterday morning while we were laying in bed that I will leave a big void. somehow that’s probably one of the nicest things I’ve heard in a while.

I could say all the cliches there are about what it’s like when you recognize your counter part in another.

see what I did there?

wish I could talk about what it feels like to have him in my life. a guy to whom recognition of a level ski partner is a commitment of greater significance than a title like girlfriend. I happen to be both. he is both. he’s the real thing. the partner I’ve always looked for.

he watches over me. he always watches me ski. he helps me on the traverses and high ridge lines. I’ve been on my own for so long, it’s a startling feeling to be with someone who respects you as a mountaineering partner and whom I allow to take care of me. whom I allow to watch over me and whom I look back to see behind me. where ever I ski, he’s behind me, covering my tracks. closing my turns. we’re usually on the same wave length about what to ski and when. if we’re not, we still keep an eye out on each other.

like the other day when I ate a mushroom in the parking lot over dirt bag underground breakfast, bailed on our headwaters agenda and watched him ski Hellroaring. I like watching him ski. so hot.

I spent my birthdays with him skiing a epic storm in the Wasatch over a week. my own personal powder week. so much snow. for the night of my birthday he booked us a room with a private hot tub on the balcony over looking the resort. we woke up to avy bombs rattling the hotel windows in the morning.

we are good in water.