I have the emotions of a teenager. but perspective of having lived.

the world is organized around the belief that everyone should find a partner. lately I have noticed this more than ever. perhaps because when ever I hear conversations over hardships in relationships or struggles associated with commitment to one single person, I am dumfounded. I find myself being so far removed from the concept of committing to a single person and putting up with those struggles. I can’t relate. at all. half the world seems to be in some kind of personal struggle over what they have done to themselves.

is it truly human nature to partner up? or is that just what we’ve been taught all our lives so we can’t phantom a thought otherwise?

I have loved hard. I have loved many times from to the fullest depths of my heart. I have also fallen hard. I feel like I have had more than my share of passionate all consuming love. I realize that not everyone has the capacity to fall as deeply as I have. I am grateful for having had this tremendous capacity to love. I still am. and I am blessed, that through all those times, I’ve learned to differentiate love. I’ve learned to love, just for the sake of love. without attempt to bind, commit and steal someones freedom because of my love. I strive to cease to ever ask for it. I do not master this, nor will I ever will, but I can strive to acknowledge my emotions, work through them and find a way to accept them and move on.

perhaps, because I’ve loved so hard to my hearts content, I feel this way now. I’ve had so much, my heart is filled. I continue to receive more and more. more than what I sometimes think I deserve. I don’t crave love or partnership of a single source now. in fact, I think it would be a huge pain in the ass to try to coordinate this life with someone. I’ve given up trying to manage all that absurdity. and at least at this point in my life, it’s a huge relief.

I have come a million miles from where I have been. I like having lovers. none of them is perfect, but they are all wonderful. how could I choose just a single one? I love so many people and I am blessed with an incredible life, I can’t imagine needing one single person. or ever finding just one that I wanted badly enough, that was perfect enough, that I was willing to settle for such a thing. maybe someday I will feel differently, but now, it’s almost impossible to imagine wanting to be monogamous. why would I? why does anyone? why do so many people NEED someone to be with? I am so incredibly content being alone and sharing fantastic moments with so many people that love me. just for who I am. and I love them in return. greatly. to each their own.

I don’t miss having just one person to come home to. my world is filled with love. I’ve learned by now it’s not worth buying the whole pig if you want a little sausage. lol.

I am perplexed.

oh, how things change. how I change. it’s surprising and fun to watch me change, grow, mature, develop. becoming a pro at life.

I have been spending a lot of time on the island. yesterday I loaded up a bunch of wood and tools onto the ferry. pedaled across with moose and got to work in the sunshine, with a fantastic view. turns out, getting the saw and the drill out, I am in my element again. bursting with joy! I love building things. putting the skills I’ve learned so far to good use by building a new dock for the summer house. I am thrilled with life. and finland isn’t half bad. between this lakeside view from the island and madison valley mountain range, I think I’ve got it pretty good.

love life. I am content.