these are hard and confused thoughts to formulate and will take some time to formulate. and this post will be work in progress for the next few weeks, maybe months.

it turns out, that I am a person who likes to categorize pain. I like to file it into a place that makes sense, so that I may find a way to cope with it.

when you lose someone surprisingly close to you, in a way that doesn’t feel like it makes any sense, I am at a loss with explanation, logic and reason. as it turns out, I am actually not equipped to deal this. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do with it, how to find acceptance. I find myself refusing to accept she is no longer with us. ranging from tears to anger, frustration. only finding the senseless void. the sentences unfinished.

the last ten days I have reflected on my relationship with her. pouring over our conversations, hikes, glasses of wine, indulgent dinners and conversations, I find a million messages of love. in so many ways, I see now how much she loved me, what she thought of me. I am incredibly shaken an honored to be loved by her. and she let me know, in more ways than I can count.

after she passed I have found and felt her love in incredible ways that has left me speechless.

I think that is the most amazing memory and legacy she could have left us all with. in my grief, it is the one comfort I find that makes me smile and think about her looking down on me, telling me to get the fuck on, bitch! that ridiculous laugh. she was so loud. she is loud today. so many fucks she didn’t give.

she was an amazing woman, who lived an incredible life. she left a pussy-squad of strong women in her wake. a group that hit the ground running to do anything and everything. looking on it now, I am incredible honored that she considered me a friend. that she included me in this group of amazing women she collected around her.

live like Rosanna.