holy hell. I was pouring over my music collection trying to fill a player for the Boutique and I came across one particular song that’s got a time stamp on my life.

I was suddenly reminded of the time when I was so god damn wounded. early morning drives in the winter storms through the canyon to Moonlight Ski Patrol. I was doing awesome things then. like I am now, but I am startled to be reminded of exactly how much I hurt then. and how I could not see how awesome I was then. as I am now. and how badly I needed those drives alone, in a blizzard, to get ready, to keep my insanity bottled up for the day of work on the hill. it was December 2012. I am reminded of how I felt that day and could not, at the time, see past my sorrow. I’ve always known everything will pass. but it was the sort of pain I had to allow to define me for some time to come. the sorta thing people can smell on you.

it was the last time in my life that I had truly loved. that I had truly been vulnerable. since then I have loved and cared, but I’ve never really let my guard down.

now I am at the end of 2015. three years later and it’s hard to remember the sort of pain I felt then. it’s hard to understand the extent of it.

now, when I heard the song again, I cried. I cried cause I felt bad for myself and what I had gone through. remembering how incredibly hard it was to pick myself back up again and for how long I could not accept that there might be something to look forward to in life again. I felt mostly bad that I was awesome then, but I could not see myself for how special I am. I could not find the love for myself. I am mostly sad for how many years it took me learn to love myself again.

but I love now. it’s a beautiful thing.

Mark was the first person who saw me differently. or one that I allowed to see me differently. and made me realize how far I’d come. I put in my time and where I am now is absolutely incredible. I ham free. I am the richest person in the world. I am a millionaire.

I take no prisoners. I harbor happiness. I am a harbor. I am the gift.