dear god.

how did this happen?

Cory turns out to be someone I didn’t expect him to be. I am more amazed by him as the days roll on. he is a myriad of a person. somehow, him and I make sense together.  I always took him for tad strange. took him or a dirt bag, really. and he is. but in odd ways. in the same ways that I am.

he sees me as unique. and I know I am. I feel like with him, I am unique. and it feels amazing to be seen that way by him.

I am so complete in love with him it’s absurd.

people like us together. I like us together. everyone tells me he is such a great guy. I believe them now. people tell me we make a really cute couple. it’s strange, but I feel like we are. even though I think we are polar opposites, we have a dynamic I haven’t experienced before.

I like saying his name.

he’s fallen for me.

and then I leave. he might not be there when I get back. and that’s ok. all I can do is set him free. though it has been his idea all along to be there for me when I get back. to call himself my boyfriend. to be with me. to hold me every night.

I leave in a week. the story of my life.

“Pisces is denoted by two fish swimming in opposite directions—one toward security, the other to freedom. the fish is equal parts commitment-phobe and serial monogamist.” and that, there, my friends, sums up my life-long demise.

and this journal has become a detailed account of my love affairs, failures and promiscuity.

I am completely in love with him. I don’t know what he is with me. about a week ago I kinda touched on the subject of what happens when I leave. he referred to himself as my boyfriend and that I was only going for a couple months. but I still have no clear idea what his intentions are. here’s a man who’s been perpetually single most of his life, so I harbor no illusions of the likelihood that this wouldn’t fade away as I do. he’s an odd mix of loyalty and kindness, coupled with good looks and cockiness, which inevitably leads to a life of a man-whore.

he has been with a lot of girls. but as I should admit out loud.. I have been with a lot of dudes. I lost my own count around a hundred. in my twenties. I know my current number must reach staggering heights by now, something I have lost sight of years ago and now seems like an insignificant detail. when you enjoy a life filled with self-indulgences and you bounce from one relationship to another, sex obviously becomes one of them. there’s no shame in this. when I met him, he was the third guy I fucked that week, and it was only wednesday…

and equally, while I pondered last night what his longest relationship may have been, I reflected upon the fact that my longest one spanned a mere 3.5 yrs.

if anything Cory and I are a lot of like in more ways than I would have imagined. as Eric Shores pointed out, while he might be a tad insane and it takes a special person to put up with it. he knows me well enough to say that it might actually make a lot of sense.

Cory took me over to his parents house for dinner last night. he has a great family. surprisingly great.

I am completely in love with him. but what ever happens, happens. at this point in my life, I can only marvel at the beauty of feeling this way towards someone. having the capacity in my heart to have this moment.

I regret nothing. I take no prisoners.

it’s hammering rain outside. I am at Cory’s living room eating the breakfast he made me before he headed out to work for the day. spent all day yesterday building my sauna with Mark. really need to work on it again today, if it ever stops raining. it was good to hang out with Mark, I told him about Cory. I am glad we can be friends. and I am glad I have moved on.

just like that.

life works in wondrous ways.

remarkable summer.

as I said, I hadn’t really been dating much. I had been too vulnerable. carrying the weight of my past on my shoulder. trying it on for size with Mark was good for me. really good for me.

but. there’s a few things I see now. like the part about how cold Mark actually was towards me at times. I understand where it comes from because I think I was emotionally completely closed off for quite a while for similar reasons. the inability to expel love towards one single person. it’s remarkable.

but he awoke something in me. and for that I actually owe him a thanks. I liked trying the dating thing with him. it was intimidating and I am glad I did it. he was almost too good to be true (on paper, anyway), but I see few things that I think would have made me miserable on the long run. to be frank, he wasn’t the most phenomenal lover either. granted, the sex did get pretty stellar once we learned each other, but no matter how you flip the coin I’m still a very passionate and affectionate person whereas he is not.

this isn’t really something I realized until the past week. and only notice this now cause I found something. I’ve known him for a while and it wasn’t until one random night after boating the trap last week that I decided to go home with him after gravel… and discovered an amazing lover. I don’t know how long this feeling will last. but.

I feel drunk.

never took him too seriously. not even after I slept with him. but the more I get to know him I am actually impressed by him. and the more time I spend with him, I realize how hot he is. his skin is soft, but he’s ripped. he’s incredible affectionate and I could drown in his arms. I want his skin to touch me every where and it’s just like that. when we’re alone his big soft hands are all over. grabbing hard at times and kissing me softly at others. all over my body. when we sleep he cuddles me to the point I have to push him away sometimes. he cradles my head on his shoulder and kisses me in his sleep. holds my hand. holds my pinky under the table.

he’s inviting me over for breakfast. wants to be around. all the time. we’re going to bozeman tonight to hang out with his friends. new territory.

there’s no denying there’s chemistry here. and as it turns out, he’s much more remarkable of a man I ever gave him credit for. I didn’t expect to like him this much. didn’t really expect to like him at all. beyond a lay. it’s surprising and has caught me off guard.