thousand tiny pieces. that I loved him for. that I am now.

somehow I still don’t really understand what happened. it doesn’t really make sense. but there it is. days roll into weeks and as quickly as he came, he becomes a distant memory. I leave everything be. I am ok.

actually I am numb. I’m good at that.

moods of the madison came and I got my party on. I am reacting. I wasn’t really having sex until I met Mark. or it’s just been a while. and I hate to admit, but I kinda got my predator on that weekend. I wanted to know I was wanted. and god damn, I am. my spell of being alone largely resulted from me personally not being ready to date and have sex. and now I am. he broke me of that. but I know I wouldn’t have done any of it, if I wasn’t trying to say “see how many fucks I give”.

you have a limited amount of fucks to give in this life. choose them wisely. he is not worth one of my fucks. well, he is, but since there’s nothing I can do about it, I choose to spend zero time in dwelling on him. at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I met some guy Friday night. cute and funny, but I just don’t give a fuck. he kept stalking me sat night at the show, so I paid to give him a face-painting of some kind of raptor reptile and promptly ditched him in the crowd. only to hook up with another hot young army dude I’d met earlier that day. brought him to my trailer for the night. that was fun.

I am not ashamed of any of this. I am a free adult and I made a choice that weekend. I needed it. it made me feel good. you have no right to judge my actions.

so I take off for colorado on a whim. much needed space of mind. much needed perspective. I marveled at the vastness of the american west. there’s so much room to roam. america is a stunning beauty. colorado is just like montana but with more people. driving always makes me feel good. and heading to see my best friend feels good. ran the arkansas river a few times while I was down hanging out with Alex and Chris. hiked to the top of a colorado’s tallest point. I passed everyone on the way up and made it up there surprisingly fast.

standing on top of that peak made my heart soar. reminded me what I live for.

came back to guiding with a fresh lease on life and had a stellar few days of rodeo, sleeping in the boat yard with the rest of the fools. saw robert earle keen. crashed a wedding. best wedding crashing ever. good crew. love this tribe of dirt bags. they’re there for me when I needed them.

I spent the last two days in bed. reading a good novel. honestly can’t remember the last time I had time to do so. I loved every minute of it. my body aching and sore from last weeks guiding binge. I am broken. also seem to have broken my back. my guiding season is over. time to catch what’s left and get my summer on. I want to stand on top of peaks.

I am getting electricity tomorrow.

I am electric.

I am whole.