the art of losing things is not a hard one to master. or is it? I’ve lost plenty of things in my life. material things and other things. long time ago I accepted loss of material things. like earrings. bikes. shoes. they merely pass through my life. never really owned them, I was borrowing them. material possession don’t matter. truly. they are utterly meaningless. I’ve learned not to care too much. with the cleansing of my life to fit into a 20ft trailer, this is even more apparent. you can always buy new skis.

loss of self comes in intervals. now that I’ve found me again and I am incredibly happy being here, I have vowed to never let me go again. I think if there was one thing I might ever regret, is letting someone wreck me. letting someone take pieces of me, and more so than that, giving them to someone whom was never worthy to do the taking. I’ve given myself away for free, to people who didn’t deserve me at times. I’ve promised to never give myself away again. to anyone.

it’s not a selfish act. it’s a self loving act, out of respect for others. I don’t need to given away.

when it comes to loss of love tho. I’ve had some practice. it’s been a long time since I’ve had someone in my life I might worry about. worried about maybe they might change their mind. maybe they simply drifted away while I was gone. somehow I think Mark is different. I might be naive, but I don’t feel like he is desperate to have me around constantly. he’s not desperate to cling to someone. he values my presence in his life, but also understands that my absences were a given from the start. as are his.

and what I have learned is this. when I am freaking out about losing sight of him. when I worry myself sick about losing him. if he didn’t call. if I haven’t heard from him. I take a deep breath and return to the state where I have been. what’s the worst that could possibly happen. I remind myself that I am fantastic alone. before I met him, I was content being me and being alone. there is no reason why I shouldn’t be content now. truly, there is no sense in worrying about this sort of thing. there is absolutely nothing I can do to make someone stay. to make someone want to be with me.

I am incredibly delighted that he does. I often do not understand why. I understand who and what I am to myself. I know who I am being to my friends, but I don’t at all understand who I am to love. I don’t understand what or who I am to him. but what ever I am, I know he likes to be around me. likes to spend time with me. likes to have sex with me. apparently. he keeps seeking me out. frequently.

dating seems like an odd thing. it’s been long enough since I really have. and it’s been long enough that I haven’t needed anyone. and I still don’t/ having someone frightens me a little more than it probably should. I think the thought that frightens me the most is learning how to let someone in my life. how to cope with having someone see me for who I am.

I have been happily bumping along with my life for a while. has it been almost 3 years since I had a boyfriend? I know he’s frightened of dating. I have my own fears. perhaps different than his, but I like the fact that he might also see, after getting to know me, that I am equally timid about the concept of having someone.

give me time and space. I like being able to breathe.

this is good.

but in the end. should I lose him, like I’ve lost others, I am better with it than I think I’ve ever been. the thought does not frighten me so. it is also why I proceed cautiously. I understand the value of a partner. I also understand the value of myself and my friends. maybe there will again come a time when a he will be equally, or more important.

love.

where to even begin.

the most amazing part about the grand canyon is watching the crew become a cohesive tribe. becoming a herd animal and finding family in the cooky birds that made the 235 mile journey through the big ditch. in itself, I realized about half way through our trip what a fleet we were. 8 boats is a big crew. though we were slow getting off the beach every morning, I was still amazed that everyday we did and rigged 8 boats. and every day we ran rapids as a group. when ever possible engaged worm drive that resulted to impromptu partying. this was a crew that didn’t need any arm twisting to get their party on. or to go big. 

three amazing weeks of sleeping under the stars, on sandy beaches in the bright moonlight. watching out for scorpions. I brought outfits I loved tripping in and my tutus made their rounds through the tribe.

heavy lotions become a commodity. the sand, water and sun are surprisingly hard on your body, skin and belongings. rig to flip everyday and waterproofing your life. me and Alex lived on the Jawp for three weeks and I never hated her once, not even a little. when I hugged her good bye at the take out, I was close to bursting into tears. I cried later. I miss her like crazy and I love her with all my heart. there are only a couple friends in my life I love as much as her.

I have a boyfriend. yes I do. it’s kind of odd. kid of exciting. a boyfriend who is completely fine and content with the fact that I am gone for periods of time. he picked me up from the airport when I got to montana before my grand trip and I spent 36 hours with him. when I got off the plane I wasn’t sure what to expect, or how it might be. it was nice. easy. after my grand trip I spent what ever time I had with him.

last night in my trailer I finally asked him. or pretty much told him. he told me he’d figured that out before I came back from finland. and wondered when I was going to ask. I didn’t really need to bring it up, since I could tell the difference. that’s what the flowers were for.

wonderful a little. it fits.

my life is amazing. abundant and full of joy. today I am incredibly grateful for the life I get to live. for the friends and family I have. I am in love with life, and life is in love with me.