and that’s pretty fucking lame if you ask me.

this feels weird. I have moved several times through out the years and I have cleaned up my life in the process several times. but never like this. I am moving into a 20 ft trailer. I have no room.

I am detailing every aspect of my life. every piece of paper, hair care product or old power cord I have been holding onto… for the one time I might need one.. I am throwing out everything.

I am disgruntled. for so many little reasons, that accumulate to a whole. I woke up this morning before the sun was up. came to the thought of mark and the last times I was with him. surprised how incredibly turned I am by the thought of him. the thing about sex, is that the more you have it, the more you want it. sure, I have gotten laid a few times randomly over the course of the last couple years, but nothing consistent enough. but now that I did and started getting used to having it, I want more of it. I want more of him.

I got up, turned on music, spread out my yoga mat and stood on it in my beginning pose. and just started crying. not for the beauty of it all. but for everything I am saying good bye to right now. I am saying good bye to Alex, she’s moving to Colorado. that’s heart breaking. the skiing sucks. I have never skied snow this bad and not only the shortness of my season, but the lack of good snow make me very disgruntled and depressed. I am aching to get on top of some peak somewhere. I am trying to let go of Mark. it’s getting better. but it’s agonizing as well. I never want to date again. I have lived in this house for 2 years and I have learned to love my life in it. I never thought I’d miss it, but it’s equally hard to say good bye to this. and along with all of this, I am saying good bye to Montana for another 3 months. and traveling to a place I don’t care for all that much. and doing lame things while I am there. seriously considering buying a road bike for while I am there.

I feel if I can’t ski, my life has no purpose. I am like a lost puppy, searching for meaning.

while I was doing my yoga practice, one thought struck me the most. I am tired of being alone. I have a shit ton of friends here, but I am tired of traveling alone. I am tired of embarking on my life alone. I am tired of leaving everyone, tired of being gone… and I only mainly feel this way because of meeting Mark and that my seasons are cut short this time around. Alex has a lot to do with it as well. there’s one person I truly consider to be a soulmate.

it’s just that I feel like I didn’t have enough time here. 2.5 months is not enough to turn around. this is my home and I belong here. I am relieved I now have my property. no more paying for something that isn’t mine.

I keep telling myself I’ll feel right as rain when summer rolls around and I am guiding again. and I will feel at peace again when the snow flies and I get a longer season next year. I will return in December. early December. frankly, everyone says the snow sucks early season, but what I’ve learned is that when you’re a ripping skier, it doesn’t really matter. you can always find fun. people think I am crazy for I truly love runs like Iron Maiden and Crazy Raven.

but truly, I shouldn’t be all that bummed. I think that anyone who looks at my life thinks it’s amazing. I should try to find the joy in it as well. I am going on a grand canyon trip in a month. jesus. try not to be so grumpy about it.

what the fuck is wrong with me.

I am unstable. rattling my cages.

I am a little startled by how much I miss him. I knew I would, but I didn’t quite realize how much exactly. the tragedy of it all. I knew he was good. so good.

he kept telling me he can’t do this and that I can’t get too attached. but he kept calling. he kept driving to ennis. he kept seeing me. agonizing me with his own confusion. and when I left, he actually cried. I was a bit startled to say the least. it takes two, you know.

so when he is gone, I see it now. I love him. holy shit, I do. and there’s nothing I can do about it.

in fact, I am a little depressed. if the snow was good, I probably wouldn’t be. this is the worst season I have ever seen. that’s making me depressed. having to go back to finland in 2 weeks is making me depressed. I’ve lived in this house for 2 years and it’s time to go. to move into my 20 ft trailer from 1981. wilderness.

I think I need to go to cooke city or something.

counting days. there’s only a few left before we are off. I am following it through. he’s turned some kind of a corner. when before he may have been a little cold, like a clam shell. now he’s affectionate. we’ve been touring a bunch this past week and it has been really good. went up blackmore yesterday and skied out my newly found gully. he was impressed. then skied to the hut I had found down below.

while at times I may have been torn why I am still doing this, I am loving every minute of it. I have the capacity to appreciate these moments and the time I am given. be in this moment. rather than to dwell on what I do not have. and things that I cannot change. what he has given me is priceless. I will have fantastic memories to dream of when he’s gone, when I am gone. truly, he is leaving me better than he found me. he has made my heart feel good and in the past few days made me feel really good about being with him.

now he’s asking me if we’ll see each other when I get back. surely this will pass.

and that was the end of it all. I have to set myself free out of respect and love. I hope he comes back someday.

there’s only so much you can do. hope it might come back but I have a fairly good grasp on the realization that he won’t. even though I asked to spend the next two weeks with him, I know I can’t.

I think that I see what I am to him. and what he is to me is too much to ask of him. I have been with people that have been way into me and I can tell. I know what he feels like to be adored. I think I’m more a friend when he has none, an emotional blanket when he needs one. I’m the catalyst, I’m the distraction. sure he likes me a lot, likes to spend time with me, and I can only I hope that he is being with me because he’s into me. not because he needs a filler.

so there’s my answer.

maybe someday. someone good might stay.