I am leaving again. 4 months has felt something like an eternity. as much as I have been anxious to go, suddenly I am a little horrified. I realize how important I have become for this business and how much I’ve grown up. my immediate presence here is required. as much as I can’t stand finland or majority of it’s population, I guess you get used to everything. life here is just so incredibly lame, and thus it makes it’s people lame. I think that makes most it’s people just certain kind of stupid ignorant that annoys the shit out of me. I had thought that if I just gave it time, certainly I would eventually like them again. but I really don’t. I have also become to understand why my sisters keeps no friends. it all makes sense now.

there is no speed, no action, no threat, nothing exciting. just mundane day to day. except mine. my day to day is actually fairly exciting and I really enjoy my job. if it wasn’t for the job, I wouldn’t be here. I have a hotel to run. I have a staff to manage and educate. in this amazing place. I have a clear action plan. I know what needs to be done to get things under control.

it’s been important for me to be here these 4 months. to learn what I have learned. to see the shape of things and learn to understand the finnish person again.

I am incredibly worried for my mom. somehow if I am by her side everyday, like I am, nothing bad can happen to her. I seem to think I can somehow save her. the truth is, nothing can save her and I have to start to find acceptance in the fact that no one lives forever. I have to be able to see a life beyond hers. as much as I don’t want to exists, if she doesn’t, I need to know I can.

she is ok now. she spent the day in a hospital recently, they were going to shock her heart. this blind and senseless agony that has no walls, no direction, no solution. the kind that makes you scream until you have nothing left. until there’s nothing left of you. the frustrating inability to help her.

why her. why us. why this. and why now.

I am scared to leave. I pray for more time. give us more time. please give us years. we are not done yet. I want to see my mom grow old. I want to grow old with her.

hold on, mom. I’ll be right back.