it takes two yoga classes to let go of my expectations. I come to my yoga mat to pray, to let go. two to make me breathe and remember who I am and where I am. to remind myself that I am actually right where I need to be. when did I stop being content? it takes a couple two hour drives with country folk music to remember who I am. to remember where my roots are.

I’ve been here long enough that who I am had become gray. I forget my strength. the power that make makes me. god damn it. ski. fly free. spread your winds. rip. soar. stop being anxious. time will come. let it happen. and if it doesn’t there’s nothing you could have done to make it otherwise. if it does, cross that bridge when you get there.

four months is a long time. but it’s not a life time. I still have more than a month to go. I am counting days now. when I yearn, I can keep reminding myself that as much as I have to give up now for this and my family. for the sake of my moms health, six months on the other side, feels just as long.

when I crest over Norris hill to Madison valley, I well up with tears. when I look down over the hill from virgnia city, I am breathless. when I cross the continental divide, I might just cry a little. drive jack creek again.

there isn’t a more amazing scenery anywhere else in the world. Madison Valley. no such freedom, no such grit. no such spirit.

it’s these dreams that keep me sane.

that’s what he replied after our first date. with a heart attached. I asked mom if that meant he’s crazy. mom thinks I am paranoid and delusional. perhaps.

today I see that I am.

I liked him alright. enough that I might like to get to know him a little better. as much as his reply startled me, while I think there’s something wrong with him, I realized that it’s hard for me to believe anyone would want anything with me or really be interested in me. what in the world could he possibly want?

perhaps because I don’t see how –in this day and age– I might have anything to offer. mainly because I feel like I don’t have any of me to spare. I don’t see the point in a relationship. fundamentally, I no longer understand how they take place. or why anyone would want to stay with me, or keep me. I don’t know how to fall for anyone, truly. like. to want someone. to lust someone. to love someone. to want to see someone, to want to spend time with someone. to make time.

sure, I make time for dear people in my life. I have many friends and family I love tremendously and love spending time with them. and make time.

hooking up with someone used to be easy. I was completely uninhibited to love someone. today I am completely in love with several people, but I don’t know intimacy. I don’t know how to be open and loving intimately. I expect them to treat me ill. someone, surely, any moment now, will let me know I am not good enough. that I am too far away, I am too fat or there’s something very wrong with me. and surely they’ll never want to see me again. it’s because of this that I don’t even entertain the possibility that someone might be interested in me. that someone might want something of me. is it because I understand that I have nothing to give, that I no longer have any of me to spare. that I don’t see the possibility of loving someone. one person.

I see how afraid I am. so there it is. the reason why I am incapable of having feelings for someone.

protection.

yup. I built walls. I am safe here.

maybe someday I will find a way not to despise the finns so much. maybe someday I will learn to love them again? friday night I ended up on what turned out to be a date, unbeknownst to me. it was painful. I was so annoyed about how painful it was and I was to nice to tell him to go fuck off and leave me alone. I feel like it’s hard to meet some finnish people when I feel like I live in such a different world. it makes me sad sometimes. yet, sometimes I meet a few that I am absolutely speechless and giddy with joy.they are rare.

what was he thinking? I am way too wild and free for you.

last night in yoga class I dreamt of the mountains. I prayed to the peaks. I know soon I will see the sun and look down to the valleys. I don’t want to give it up, but I am forced to. I am forced to give up some portion of it. how come no one understands that I cannot breathe here? that I’ll suffocate? how can you ever give up freedom when you’ve had it?

maybe someday I’ll find a way not to hate? it’s easy not to hate when I know I don’t really belong here. and when I know freedom awaits. but if it doesn’t, what would become of me?