time moves slowly. it seems like nothing changes, but one day you look back you realize everything has changed. I look on myself now. the person I see in the mirror looking back at me is beautiful. radiant and full of life. a person who no longer carries the weight of world with her. no longer carries that infinite sadness that woke her at night crying and worrying about all the things in life. and what has become.

new era.

I have let go. for the most part. I carry scars, but I don’t carry sadness. I can see that now. it was damn hard and seems like it took a long time. I am scarred for life, and that’s fine. the lines on my face are the story of who I am. nothing will ever be the same, but the change is ok. at times, good even. somethings I think I could have lived without, but I have accepted the things I cannot change.

when I had a long conversation with Eero last weekend, after some reflection I notice a distinct difference between then and now. I no longer need someone in my life. I am not in a hurry to find someone, I don’t have to try to find someone to be with. because I don’t need anyone. despite of who I am, all my downfalls and imperfections, I am good with myself.

I have a friend in me. I always have but now it’s different somehow. I am completely content in being single.

what brings on the biggest change from then to now, is the quest to seek and find has left me. I no longer have the urge to find someone to be with. as I no longer ache to get married an start a family, and this the entire perspective of relationships has changed. I realized recently that because I always sought to build something, I always sought to find someone to do this with, I ended up with people and in relationships merely because I was trying so hard to make it work. I cannot make someone want the things I want. now I don’t, in anyway, expect someone to be interested in the things I want. today I have a lot of appreciation for people’s differences and can adore them. I also have a tremendous amount of respect for the things other people want. should I meet someone who sees the world the way I do, and wants to live the way I do, I would only be delighted. it’s a rare thing to find tho and I don’t think I ever really will, but that’s ok too. perhaps due my my change in perspective my next relationship might be different. but I am in no hurry.

I come to my yoga mat to find acceptance. to connect with my mind and body. to allow myself –through pain and sweat– cleanse my thoughts. to let go, to find, to rebirth. or what ever it is I feel the need to work through at the time.

I do not come to my mat to experience resentment, judgement and anger.

I break the rules. all the time. I know this. Finland makes me want to break all the rules almost obsessively. I believe most rules were made to be broken and I’ve struggled with Finland since I was young. I always paint outside the lines and here it’s endlessly frustrating.

so I found a yoga studio I like going to. until I pissed off one of the yoga teachers. I was at a class with a new teacher. I don’t bring my hands together in vinyasa when I reach the top. there are a million variations of each pose and after practicing yoga for years, with a consistent practice at times in my life, sometimes lagging, but what has pretty much mounted to years of steady practice. I felt violated in my yoga practice. I felt resentment, judgement. frustration and anger.

I have never felt that way in a yoga room. my teachers have always encouraged listening to your own body, doing variations of each pose and doing what felt right to you that day. freedom of expression. I kept on with my practice, doing the poses with slight variations until she came over in the middle of the class and literally yelled at me. disrupting everyone’s practice at the same time.

we sat in the living room of the summer house, over late breakfast, with the weather outside. watching the magical grey stillness of the fall, it’s leaves on the ground. the storm over the lake with it’s wake beating over the shoreline rocks. this little room with tall windows, high ceilings, furniture from turn of the century and grandma’s crocheted table cloth. fire in the fire place. we talked for what seemed like hours. falling in love a little.

he’s like some harbor. why do I feel that way when I’m with him? like you were made for each other in some way. maybe I’m the only one who felt that way. and it’s ok. I just like knowing there are people like him out there.

I thought there was something about him when we skied together in montana for a couple days after our random encounter. I fell in love with him then. as a person. and I can keep falling in love with him now.

I don’t expect anything of it. I can love someone without it ever turning into anything other than a fantastic friendship. he is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I adore him and I am amazed by him. having met him makes me daydream a little.

makes me wonderful a little.

for sometime now, probably since the last time I saw him in Helsinki, I keep having dreams about him. dreams where we hang out for hours. dreams where all we do is sit around and talk. no one has created that sort of reaction in me. not for what seems like ages. maybe never. until now haven’t really acknowledged that I actually adore him. like it hadn’t really occurred to me before.

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the evening before Vincent and Eero showed up at the hotel, I showed them around and we had dinner. we drove to the summer house, enjoyed the incredible Sauna there. slept in and after breakfast went on an excursion with the row boat in inclement weather. the best 24 hours in a long time. probably because I got to spend it with those two.

it’s like putting your life on pause. making sure you have no time to miss the freedom you left behind.

it’s that. the kind of freedom that’s hard to describe. hard to explain. how you can truly be free. where you never thought to find it. in ways you didn’t expect. but it’s there. in the hills, in the mountains, in the wide open ranges. gravel roads.

turpentine.

here freedom is sullen. time to think makes you sad. one night I was heading home, sat in the city bus watching the sullen faces. I turned on my music and remembered again what I have somewhere else. just be patient. just wait.

happiness in those small moments. little salvations.

I’ll be skiing again soon. but it’s really the countryside I miss the most. madison valley. the mud and the dirt. jack creek.