why is it that it seems that when people are in intimate relationships with one another they seem to think that it’s ok to behave badly. that it’s ok to be rude or mean to your loved one. I’m not too far off here, am I? it seems to be a trend, when we are in a relationship, people behave in ways that they would never treat, say, a friend, co-worker, their mother (I’d hope).

I don’t quite understand why we have such a desire to stay and fight if the coupling isn’t a healthy one. why we have such a drive to need someone, that we are willing to put up with being treated shitty or dealing with crazy drama? being in a continuously good relationship takes a serious amount of skill, some mysterious talent, self-control and discipline. and a proper understanding of self and workings of the human mind. yet, there are mounds of people out there who do this. these men, that have committed to love a woman for a long time and have done so, who are they? these men exist?

so, what on earth would make someone love me as their lover and stay? to always be there? to really be there when things get hard? to be there when I get back from Finland? I am perplexed by those who are capable of years of marriage. that is the sort of thing that seems like a fairy tale, but happens to go on all around me. all the time. people do that sort of thing. get married. stay married. it’s one of the most fascinating mysteries of our time. to me it is.

I probably sound like I am not human right now.

an old wise man I know tells me: “you can’t get all your atta-boys from one place”. I couldn’t agree with him more.

I would wager to guess that I will never marry.

I know who I am to myself. I know who I am to my friends. but I don’t at all understand who I am to love. how have people loved me in the past? it seems, many times I have been to them the air they breathe. looking on it now, it seems like such an odd thing to do. to surrender yourself to the judgment of someone you’ve just barely met. falling in love is kind of a crazy thing to do. it’s like a socially accepted form of insanity.

how do you hold back without diluting your passion? how do you ever allow yourself to fall in love again? as sweet as it is, it’s downright terrifying. and frankly, at the moment, incredibly undesired. perhaps because how scared of it I am. and my learned pattern assures me no one is ever here to stay. I don’t want to know anymore what it feels like to hurt so god damn bad.

with the way it is today, I am happy. with the way I am today, I am content. I see my life through rose colored lenses. full of wonder and bright colors. though forever confused about my place in the world.

I have started guiding on the gallatin now. here we are again. wet everyday. even a bad day on the river is still always a good day on the river. I love it. I’ve missed the boat yard. it’s good to be back.

makes me want to take the back roads.

for the first time in few years I am living in a town where I really like all the people I meet. sure, every town has it’s a-holes, but I must admit they seem to be few and far in between, fairly easy to avoid. this is a summer town, but unbeknownst to many, thrives in winter, with it’s handful of locals with big hearts.

I went to a sunday evening barbeque at channels ranch last night. tons of people showed up, everyone is friends. kids are kayaking, parents are sneaking off to toke, people are fishing, drinking beer, basking in the sun and enjoying a beautiful montana sunset over the tobacco roots. they have hockey leagues, yoga sessions, bowling teams, meat cook offs, golf tournaments and numerous other adventures to get together with. I love seeing familiar faces where ever I go. and I love all these events that introduce me to the crowd more and I love starting to know everyone.

the funny thing about this town, is that it has your back.

I’ve never experienced living in such a small town, and it’s funny how I feel like the chances of being alone in a city are greater than in a small town that has only 800 some people.

the cotton woods are falling like snow. everything is green, it’s pleasantly warm with a slight breeze, the river is right there. I can hop in my boat right in town and float/channel surf down to channels ranch, maybe get a ride back up from a friend. I love my life here. passionately.

my fishing rod came in the mail today. finally!

in 24 hrs I rafted the gallatin, floated the madison and skied off the top of granite peak in the tobacco roots. I have been ready to put my skis away, but the ski was rad. that’s a big swath of snow still up there. we had to dig the truck out once or twice, but made short work of it. as stoked as I am to run rivers, must not forget about skiing. maybe go biking even.

ah, best life.

I’ve been trying to formulate my thoughts. I need to have a conversation with a friend that I don’t want to have. I want him to stop making passes at me. I am also afraid of having this conversation because his friendship matters a lot to me. it’s all my own doing tho, should have never slept with the guy.

went for a 9 mile through hike in the bridger foothills. I didn’t even really notice it blew by, I guess I needed to think. after getting stalked on instagram by James’ old/new girlfriend (whom seems really desperate to place her claim. poor girl, can’t imagine what that’s like), the thought that struck me the most is that I have loved a lot in my life, perhaps that much loving does not happen to everyone. it’s surprising to see that neither of them moved on and that she is willing to take him back after he left her for me. everyone chooses for themselves what they are willing to do for love.

I have been passionately loved by quite a few people in my life.  I am happy for others who can find love, I know how wonderful and amazing it can be. and I honestly feel like I have had more than my fair share. I am blessed to have experienced such an overwhelming amount of love. I sure know how to love when I choose to love. now I am choosing not to. and surprisingly, I am totally happy without it and content being where I am.

I am slightly startled at noticing how little I want any kind of a relationship. quite frankly, I am tired of them. I don’t want to waste my time obsessing about someone and being all bent up when it doesn’t work out. I don’t want to get into some damn love bubble with someone. I don’t want to be controlled. I want to keep being free. I found the expectation to be intimate incredibly annoying, slightly insulting. I felt like I was being pressured. I hate the demands. and that made me resent him and the situation. I like hanging out, but I quickly realized I don’t want anyone to think I’m his girlfriend. I don’t want people to enlist me with him. and I don’t want him to enlist me with him. stop trying to date me.

I am actually kinda annoyed. really.