my life is about to change.

I got an email from mom when I came out of bell lake yurt. we have been approved for a development/expansion loan. I’ve had 24 hours to ponder what this means for my future. in an instant, I see what I will give up. what I want to give up. I will be there for this. I love the hotel. I could cry about this a little. it’ll all work out in the end. I think I am in shock. how much longer will my family let me keep running away?

I am free. I see it now. the longer I spend alone. the more adventures I share with friends being unattached and unbound, the better I feel. I am high as fuck on life.

I’ve had two incredible trips this month. cataract canyon is always equally life changing, this time with most of my favorite people on the river with me. best. trip. ever. week later I did a bell lake yurt trip with another good crew. best. trip. ever. for some reason, despite the lack of skiable snow and everything being wind fucked. and terrifying pit test results. we still skied a ton, found the stashes and skinned our asses off. toured in the sunshine and felt slightly religious. I was sincerely wondering if the awesomeness of these trips had anything to do with where I am personally in my life. how I feel.

I think my attitude towards it might have a lot to do with it. I am so in love with life. this amazing thing. this freedom is what makes me roar. I feel elevated. in fact I feel like my little heart is about to burst from all the excitement and joy. life is a party. get used to it.

I am going to buy a big sky season pass this year. yup.

goose bumps.

let’s really think about this. when I met James I was 32 (I think). I am 35 now. so if you think about how long you’ve known someone in relation to the entire length of your life (in this case a total of 3 years), you get something like 8.57 %. how can anyone be expected to change their life trajectory for a mere fucking 8%?

you are 0.08 of a whole.

I think it’s slightly absurd what society asks from our relationships and what we are expected to give as individuals. as of late, I have been on the other end of James’ rants about what a selfish person I am (again) and my significant short comings in our relationship in regards to how much he thinks he gave and how much he thinks I didn’t. he appears incredibly bitter over the failure of the relationship and seeks blame. not in himself of course.

I’ve been single now long enough to feel truly wholesome again. I found myself thinking how incredibly awesome I have felt lately. I believe that what makes me awesome, is my freedom. so far in my life, it seems most of my relationships have attempted to bottle me up and put me on the shelf. to keep me to themselves. I don’t think I can be kept anymore. I never wanna get kept again. I don’t want to be someones possession. I never want to apologize for things I want in my life, for wanting to ski, or wanting to leave, or not wanting to stay the night. what ever the fuck it is, I am done being sorry for being me. I don’t understand where we learned as a s society that being in a committed relationship with someone includes being miserable and giving up your life. I’m sorry I think it’s crazy and I don’t get it.

I feel like I made it out alive. life is a strange place and makes some amazingly strange turns. I consider myself lucky that up until now I have made it through without kids, without all the baggage that society hands us. I am free. and I love my family and friends. I have the freedom to love whom I choose, rather than being forced to commit, being forced to love. I think monogamy is not natural, I think coupling for life is not natural in it’s current state in our modern society.

the relationships I build outside of intimate relationships are what matter. I have an incredible network of people around me whom I love and whom love me in return. I know they do, I feel it on a regular basis ad I am incredibly grateful for it everyday. it seems, after having been hurt and abused by my loved ones, I find safety in relationships that don’t include sex and expectations. rather, they quantify me based on my personality and who I am being to my friends. I place an infinite amount of value on those kinds of relationships and have become to regard intimate ones as a source of resentment and anxiety. I would rather have sex with strangers, without expectation, than have a deeper connection with someone I share my life with.

so here I am refining my promiscuity. I cannot be tied down. don’t waste your heart on a wild thing. I have accepted, that I would much rather have very good friends and have “weekend” boyfriends as we like to put it amongst my ripping skier girlfriends. I have been hanging out with Mike a little too much lately and I see clearly that he thinks of me as his girlfriend. this is a problem. thankfully I have a finland departure in my near future and maybe that’s an easy way out without actually doing any damage to our friendship. shouldn’t fool around with friends.

it’s also odd how some people light up your day in mere 3 minutes. I see what I want. I am going to get it. the arrangement is sex. maybe he’ll be my weekend boyfriend, he wants no strings attached and I am actually into him so I think it will be perfect. he makes me blush and all nervous and stupid giggly. and sweat and stuff.