beautiful is all around me. I am settling back into a life in montana. getting used to living in Ennis. driving jack creek. balancing all this. skiing new lines. exploring. through intermittent sense of deep loneliness from missing my family and feeling slightly lost without them, it feels good to be home. I live in a postcard.
it feels incredibly good to be alive. I feel clean and pure. cleanest I’ve felt in a long time. I told Ted I wasn’t sleeping with him anymore. now I just gotta stay resolved about my decision because he’s putting out some effort. I like him too much to be his booty call. I like myself too much to be anyones booty call. I like what I’m seeing in me. I like noticing how you beat depression. how you beat indifference. still couple weeks after arriving in finland I would occasionally cry myself to sleep. I was getting better, but I was barely on the other side of the abyss. when I can’t shake it, drowning myself in work helps.
all of a sudden I am dropped back into this world where I’d left a couple months ago. now it’s different routines, the mountain is gearing up for opening day. people have arrived and we had patrol training over the past couple weekends. good to see everyone. good to herd up with the moonlight patrol in the back corner of the auditorium in big sky. I like living in the seasonal world of the resort town. people shift into their winter roles.
few ski tours later. patching with ptex. ted is being a friend. hah! getting ready for opening day. the ski patrol has been slaving away. I’m ready.
I leave. I have a hard time explaining to anyone what drives me back to the mountains. none of them hold a grudge to my absence, but they struggle to understand. someone who has never lived a life like mine, can probably never quite appreciate what drives me. my church. my religion. how could I settle for anything less when I have shown myself what true blessing is like? what is bliss.
I could become a nun for my mountains. for the big skies, for the wide open roads. for dirt between my toes and sweat on my brow. much like moose feels the need to run like hell when I let him off the leash momentarily. I feel the same need. I need to run, to scream, to feel the wind on my face. sadly, I love this place and I feel fulfilled here momentarily, but I need to run like hell from time to time.
I consider myself to be a professional at life. to be able to appreciate the beauty in so many things. on a daily basis, but far too often even I forget to really appreciate the beauty I see all around me. I went for a walk today with my mom and the dogs. the weather was windy, grey, misty and rainy. we walked to the beach in the rain, saw the beating wake among the turned rowboats, up the hill side through the meandering streets of all the old wooden houses. such a beautiful place. such a beautiful person.
I think if I stop moving, I’ll forget to really see what is so amazing about life. this blessing I’ve been given. my curse, my nightmare is to become indifferrent. to forget to love simple things and the amazing beauty of this world. I am always grateful for my gift to be able to see the world through rose colored lenses. sometimes it leads me astray, but it has given me so much in my life. many times in my life, I have said to myself that if I died tomorrow, I would be ok to go, because I feel like I have lived a life so full of amazing things.
thank you.
it’s hard to believe two months have flown by. I’m excited to come home. to my other home. I want to ski, I want to be cold and I want to breathe mountain air. I want to wear my winter boots. the past two months have been wonderful, but I feel like I am ready to relax for a few weeks and enjoy my life. I feel like I have been on full throttle since mid summer. I would like to be bored again. just for a day or two and not being able to decide if I want to go skiing, or just work. or do both. to be spoiled again with freedom.
it sets in. the anxiety that I’m leaving again. the only thing that makes it so good, is knowing where I am going. and within a few weeks, I’ll be with my family again. and I’ll return in the spring! for the first time for mayday in 17 years. and for the first time for my best friends birthday.
my life. my rhythm. my peace.
I’m so buying a Scamp for next summer. vagabond. professional.
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