I got a day off for a change. so I decided to take care of some business. but when it was all over I felt like I had an excuse to celebrate. once released, walked around aimlessly in downtown Tampere. smiled at the extraordinary buildings, rapids and bridges. stared at the ice cream counter for a while. decided for the bakeries instead. champagne.

it’s not a big deal, but it’s weighed on me for sometime. thanks to the awesome finnish healthcare system, I got a pap-smear today and was sent for additional testing for an ultrasound check over my concern for my boobs. while I was there, getting the ultrasound, they figured might as well do a mammogram just to make sure. and I said fuck yea, go for it! I spent a total of 300, government covered about a 150 and insurance will cover the rest. kick. ass.

I feel like I want to announce to the world that I came out clean. I have been declared healthy. but it’s not something you really post on facebook or tell anyone, other than the close women in your life. I kinda knew it would be clean. but seeing that I don’t fondle many other womens boobs, you can’t really know for sure if yours are just right. but seeing that I’m now a 34 year old without kids, my doctor told me it’s a good time to get checked. also told me I sure have some very tight tissue in my boobs, something my mom also shared with me about hers. now I know for sure. these tight little boobs of mine are tight cause that’s just the way it is. these are mine!

I was driving home the other day, after leaving work late at night and found myself happy and content. I have been busy working and spending time with my family. I see how good it makes me feel. I work my ass off and don’t really do anything else. fall into bed at night to get up in the crack of damn to run in the misty mornings or watching incredibly beautiful sun rises and get back to work. I rarely have days off and I’m always trying to catch up. I feel good. I’ll never get to a running high, but after a lap around the crest of the hill, I feel like I can go on and on. I want to keep running. smiling.

I see where it gets me. I don’t miss anything or anyone. I like being here and when the time comes again, I will be happy to return to the US for a few months. I don’t have time to get depressed. I don’t have time to be sad about what I might not have in my life. I have so many incredible things.

I love finland. I love this country so much, it amazed me frequently. it also baffles me frequently and frustrates me just the same. palm to the face and move on. in finland big brother is always watching. but it’s not the government, it’s the other people. so weird, live a little. I have an amazing family, perhaps I don’t tell them all often enough how much I adore each one of them. how proud of them I am. how proud I am of my mom. that makes me love life, that and the family business drives me here.

I care about our family business. and I see the importance in me being here. I really need to be here. for the sake of our business and to be strategic about where we want to head with it. we have a spot to succeed at this point and there are too many things that I cannot accomplish from being away. the ground work has been laid out and we have room to grow, but we have to work on it now. as much as we try to hire people outside of our family to do these things, the truth is that no one can still do it like me, my sister, or my mom can. and my sister and my mom are stretched thin, so I guess that leaves me. it’s a cliche, but good help is insanely hard to find. I accept that now and I accept my role.

I like staying up late with my mom and my sister, talking about where we’re headed. looking at our sales figures, haggling over radio spots and comparing brands that we might want to take on.

I was reading a blog about something similar to my experience in a long past relationship of unpredictable rage and disrespect. this quote caught my eye as it much describes how I regard relationships today:

“I realize now that when it comes to relationships, ultimate love and fidelity to one’s Self—by both parties—would be a much better foundation. Love doesn’t mean you put someone else before you or sacrifice who you are for them, it means you support each other to grow into the ultimate best versions of yourselves, with respect to individual pace and method. When that doesn’t include each other anymore, may we lovingly go separate ways.”

someday I wish to find someone who can understand my life and my choice and respect them as I wish to respect and support theirs. support me in my choices without quilt or jealousy. I hope to find someone who has their own path and chooses to follow that path regardless of my life’s choices and does so with confidence. relatioships might require daily fine-tuning, but compromise in a relationship doesn’t mean to compromise your path, passions and your life.

in these few weeks, months, I have been looking at my life differently. perhaps, after all, I will never have a child. perhaps, after all, I might end up living alone like so many other great women I know. I am making attempts to accept where I am now and embrace my life as it is.

honestly, the world seems like a cruel place to bring a child into. and really, I think I wish to embrace this amazing world on my own, share it with my friends and family, rather than to give it all up for the sake of some wonderful little person that I would be worried sick for.

I find great comfort and warmth being a family member in the family I already have, rather than hoping to create one of my own. I want to be a better person to those who exists in my life and disregard those who come and go. I no longer look to the future with an idea that I hope meet someone who would become interested in me. I’m sure I will find love in my life again, but I don’t trust my judgement anymore and I am incredibly leery to trust anyone. I simply don’t think I have what it takes for another broken heart. on the inside, I am incredibly frail. it’s a bit sad compared to how strong I have always been. maybe I will be strong again, someday. what I really mean, is that I don’t have what it takes for another person in my life to make me feel like I am not worth loving, fighting for or keeping. I am not strong enough today to endure that again.

it breaks my heart to know I am this fragile. it’s a tough thing to beat. therefore, at this point in my life I choose privacy, quiet life and choose to remain alone. and choose to love the family I have.

and so life is beautiful.

there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I feel great. being surrounded by my family and being involved in the family business makes me feel really good. I realize I haven’t visited Finland in a long time without someone holding me back and someone harassing me with phone calls and someone to tell I miss them all the time. I find myself enjoying it, I am grateful I am free to live my life.

I am busy here. I find myself (again) trying to find ways to compromise my life between here and there. I find myself gravitating towards Finland more, because, whither I like it or not, I am needed here and I have more work than I can accomplish. I need to find a way to come here during spring as well. I think in the future, I am leaning towards april-may and again mid august-mid november. If I give up ski patrolling, I’d have more time to be here.

life is making choices.

something else it taking root. I am finding different ways to go on adventures. while the Finns have become so removed from the wilderness and a simple life style, they still harbor some strange approach to life that is common sense and down to earth. but in ways I don’t think they understand. everyone in finland knows how to make a fire. everyone knows how to pick mushrooms and berries and how to swing an axe to chop wood, how to make bread from scratch. everyone knows how to oar a boat. everyone knows how to cross country ski. well, that might be a stretch. but when someone dies, it’s accepted as a part of life, and we move on with a shrug. thus is life.

last weekend I spent on the island with the immediate family. put on my rubber boots, heated the sauna, chopped wood, collected chanterelles. explored the numerous islands in a rowing boat during calm water. I was amazed again how fast you can go in a row boat, moving across vast bodies of water quickly. something about being out in the open black water makes me nervous, but I seized the opportunity to go far. I loved every minute of it. I loved island hopping and checking out new islands I’d never seen before. that huge island with a few trees and cliffs jutting out, waaay out in the middle of the large body of water, was way too attractive to pass up! I’m actually way more into the row boat now, I think because of what it represents. rather than the canoe, it’s a lot faster solo, it’s also significantly safer to go further, not having to be terrified of the slightest wind storm and being able to make it home. at night I set out a storm-lantern on the island shore before heading out, so I could find my way home again.

in ways, finland is very beautiful and I’ve always put it down. you just have to find it. go looking for it.