life is good. I have a plain ticket to Finland. for two whole months! iceland air assures me moose is good to go on the plane. I’ll come back for a couple weeks for ski patrol training. then back on the plane, heading to the Bahamas for ten days of sailing with the family in a catamaran. fuck yea.

much like ski patrolling, guiding on the gallatin for Geyser has been one of the coolest things I’ve done in a long time. that river is a challenge, but I surprise myself. it surprises me how well I know ever rapid and watch them change. I know the move at old bridge, I love backing under the chin at screaming left. that one’s a pretty move. I am not sure what happens at whacker when I drop into house rock, but it always works out. I can make it across the boulder garden. I know the thumb, hand of god, the chestnuts, whale tail, the wrap rock at the bottom.

I’m kicking ass. people love me and I really love guiding. it gets better at every run!

dirt roads. back roads. making up my own words. laughing until it hurts. my wildest dream come true. life kisses me every where. tickles me silly. I earned my wings today. people love me as their guide. as it turns out, it’s a riot!

somehow I feel a little wonderful. coming around the corner to another side of greatness. I like being me again.

all forward.

I woke up in my car at a trail head in gallatin canyon. it was a cold rainy montana morning. plugged my phone into my little speaker and tuned to some happy summer reggae songs. sat there brushing my teeth with moose running around. wearing a 700 fill downjacket wishing I’d brought my sorels. walk to the bathroom leaves morning due on my chacos.

my life is so funny.

I got into my car, drove back to big sky. ran by the bakery. coffee and breakfast in hand headed back to Geyser for another glorious day of running myself ragged on the river. swift water rescue class. memorizing 2 back, all forward, stop. move around this rock, pivot right here, shimmy up on this one, spin off that one. jeesh.

who would have thought that I would find myself here. sometimes I suddenly acknowledge how utopistic my life seems to my friends and family in finland. where I live, what I do and everything about my life.

this wild country. this big big sky. miles and miles of dirt road. chaco tans. rivers. my rhythm. winter blizzards. camping out of my car. skiing couloirs. virginia city. western store fronts.

I hiked with Kate in the Pintlers one weekend. had an awesome time climbing on top of peaks amongst alpine lakes. skinny dipped and laid around naked on the beaches of one I found in a random basin while Kate was exploring other basins. week later I spent 4 days at Red Ants Pants festival with awesome girl crew for company. we all worked the event, camped out, partied out and watched a shit ton of good music. amazing experience as always!

I am taking a day off from running the river or doing anything but managing my life. ha. feel slightly abused by yesterdays mountain bike ride. Curly Lake loop in the Tobacco Roots delivers amazing top-of-the-world-views, 20-some miles of rocky as shit technical trail, 5000 ft elevation gain and numerous bruises the morning after that you’re not exactly sure how they got there. I don’t feel tired as much as I feel like I’ve been kicked by rocks, scraped by my bike, branches and you name it. good times!

life comes at you fast. and I felt like I needed to say yes again.

and so I find myself suddenly busier than I have been in a couple years. but doing something entirely different. I am running the gallatin river in the back of a paddle boat, three times a day, memorizing every damn rock on the river. memorizing my line. because at 600 cfs, there’s only one. smelling like neoprene, even if I don’t wear any. loading boats, unloading boats, checking life vests, handing out dry tops, collecting paddles…

how I got roped into this, I am not entirely sure. I feel compelled to do it, none the less, I want to guide. I was never really sure if I wanted to or not, but I feel like I am trainable. I can figure this out. mountains of self doubt. even though at the end of the day I feel exhausted and not entirely sure why I am giving up my freedom to do this, I still feel elevated. somehow a little wonderful.

I may have reached another side of my stupid depression. I have a ways to go, and I hope going to hang out in gloomy rain in finland for the fall won’t tear me down. it’s a valid concern. even though I still don’t regard myself as anyone someone would want to hold onto, I need to work on that. I think I may have had enough about caring wither or not that’s the case and focus on my own happiness instead.

life is alright.