I woke up early. grabbed my towel and headed for the shower. I stood in front of the mirror for a second and abruptly changed my mind. by boat was already strapped to the roof of the car. get out now! when the urge strikes, I don’t often have the patience to do things like cook breakfast or load the car. I wanna jump in an go. grabbed a la croix out of the fridge, stuffed my face with some fresh berries, grabbed my pipe and paddle and headed for the lake. Ennis lake shorelines greeted me with glassy still waters as I dropped my kayak in the water and settled into my paddle stroke. whoa! it’s been two years since I took my boat out and put my paddle in the water. it felt strange, but I felt like a kid, it felt like something new.

I am excited. I paddle into the bear trap canyon and breathe in the calm morning air among the canyon walls. I am so happy I didn’t sell my boat.

I enjoy discovering new areas, new trails, new rivers. Ennis offers just that.

this morning when I got up, waking up in big sky, I headed for the grizzly loop trail, spaced out on the way up. meditating. clearing my head. going to my church. what ever you want to call it, I love the moments when I am out alone in the woods, the time I have to think. I am ready to be happy. I am ready to fill my life with all theses things that make me happy to be alive, to appreciate where I live.

I took Kate’s invite to hit up the Pintlers for a weekend of backpacking. I can’t remember the last time I backpacked for the sake of backpacking. I used to be a hiking fool. I still am, and I love to cover ground. mileage makes me feel good. the more I move the better I feel. always.

happiness follows movement.

in all honesty. nothing is getting cured. I no longer see a way out. I don’t see a way to let go. I carry so much with me and I internalize it all. after so many times of the same, isn’t it obvious it’s really just all about me? wallowing.

I can see your peaks from here. fight for your honesty. I have been mourning. for which I am not sure. I carry too much with me. of everything that has happened. moving to Ennis cures the soul, we’ll see how it feels in the winter time.

in the morning I hear the birds singing, the wind blowing, everything else is silent. except for the rustle of the deer running around. am I safe here by the water and amongst the cotton woods?

spent the weekend in missoula with friends and it felt nice. I love my sisters. love seeing people believing in me.

I feel like a little girl. I can see your peaks from here. wish you could see mine. I feel like have a mountain to climb before I can swim myself out of this hole. I’m afloat.

I fell a few months back. I’ll be down for a while.