I’m glowing this afternoon.

there’s something to be said about sleeping with an older man. though I think he might qualify as an older boy. a grown up boy who has furniture and shit. either way, I appreciate his lack of pressure on me, lack of questions when he might see me again. lack of expectation. just appreciating that we saw each other today. spending great 24 hours together knowing it might be the last in 6 months, possibly ever because by then I may have moved onto other things. even thought I have zero plans on committing to anyone in any distant future. but life happens.

he cooked for me, waxed my skis, rubbed my feet, napped with me, made love to me and looked after me for a day. he calls me sunshine, I kinda liked it. it feels incredibly good to have someone who can’t get enough of me. stares at me for hours and wants to touch me all over. someone who is impressed by all that I am, what he sees after a short period of knowing me. someone who wants to pull my hair and have his way with me. someone to be enthralled about the way I come, when I come. I’d say he’s flat out excited about it. someone to admire me, to teach me things, to adore me, to respect me enough to never ask when. but when i am there, to take what he wants. it’s incredibly sexy. this lack of displays of caring, but being way into me all the same. caring, with the respect that I will call and come over when I am ready. I also like the fact that he is honest about missing me and being way into me, he’s not afraid to admit it.

it’s perfect. I am glad he is leaving and I am letting go. he made me feel good, he gave me a reason and a purpose. whenever I am done hanging out with him, I always feel beautiful. I feel incredible. he helps me stand up taller. not necessarily him in particular, but the effects of having someone who is such a badass, to want me so honestly and thoroughly. and to admire my badass-ness. it’s awesome, I feel fantastic.

it’s almost, in a way, like he knows he doesn’t get to keep me, so he’ll never ask. just like he doesn’t want to be kept. but all the same he’s enthralled by the moments he gets to spend with me. he won’t push or pursue, but an eager participant. I see tremendous respect in that. it’s just what I needed right now.

Ted, thank you for elevating my heart. see you on the flip side.

I know I say this all the time, but.. life is so incredible isn’t it?

I don’t know what took me so long, but something in my life here in montana finally turned the corner and I am getting all kinds of invites to do incredible things and my dance card is mostly full. I’m getting back to the way my calendar was always full of adventures with awesome people in oregon. I’ve missed it, but the nest part is that now I have all the time in the world to take off to do any and all trips I get invited on! (hello, middle fork of the salmon!!) it might sound stupid, but I feel like I have been working on my rad skills for a few years now and I finally feel comfortable with my radness level. lol. especially compared to everyone else. I always belittle my abilities and experience.

it’s been awesome skiing this season when I can literally feel how strong my legs are. I surprise myself often. I feel how strong of a skier I’ve become and it actually blows me away. when I was down climbing the top pitch into the icy entrance of the mullet on the last day of skiing at big sky in a whiteout blizzard, I found myself calm and gathered, in complete control. all the while Ted staring up at me from the top of the couloir, waiting, and I was wondering what he must be thinking of me. it says a lot about a person who is willing to stick to the mission in those conditions and still enjoy it. I realize now it’s horrifying to most and I can’t take just about anyone back there. and finally have accepted that not everyone’s skiing/billy-goating abilities are exactly matched here.

I don’t know how to really put it down into words, but I have always knows that my badassness usually is a notch above the general public and even those who venture out into the wilderness. but now I finally believe it. maybe I have been putting myself out there long enough that it seems a lot of people in my life now have the mentality that if they’re doing something awesome: Tiia will go.

lessons learned in cooke city deliver a stout knowledge that bozeman amateur hour gathers there and I shouldn’t meddle with little boys with sleds who don’t know what they’re doing. and that I actually know better. I never appreciate my own guiding abilities but when you’re suddenly tossed into a group without any genuine mountain experience, it makes me realize how good I am at it. idiots. that was hilarious, interesting and retarded. lol.

I am living my best life. I am laying in bed this morning after trying to get my work done before turning off my computer and signing out to spend the next 5 days skiing in the tobacco roots. Bell lake yurt! got my best friends in town!

I laid in someone’s bed last night and I found myself incredibly happy. I couldn’t wipe that stupid smile off my face.

I have been skiing a new line that has rocked my world and changed my life in Bozeman and Big Sky as I know it. I love being single, I love saying yes and anything goes. life turned so delicious, simple and easy all of a sudden. it’s wonderful to ski at a mountain where people are nice and I know a bunch of them. so unlike bridger. it’s nice to learn some new lines and enjoy best kept powder stashes on the mountain. I feel like I have been let in on some big secret. it’s been there all along, how did I not know about it?

I’ve known I’ve needed to just sleep with someone. just to get it over with. so I met someone that I actually really like. I wouldn’t do it with anyone I wasn’t into. he’s older, it’s not complicated. he likes me and that makes me incredibly happy. it’s nice to ski with someone who is truly impressed by my ripping abilities, especially coming from such a badass skier.

it’s just nice to have it be free and simple. all grown up, I feel like. no questions asked, no games. I feel like I changed a little somewhere along there. being cheated on makes you all grown up and shit. it kinda jolts me into action, makes me expel love and appreciation to those around me. makes me love the world and people in it.

I am a woman these days, I suppose. a woman of a certain age. I drink like a fish. I ski like a fiend. I live life like a riot.