what are these writings really, but a collection of heart break stories, let downs, living out loud, adventures, rants, falling in love, falling out of love. life is what they are. they are joy for this amazing wonder I know as life.

I needed to wallow there for a bit. it’s wild to read back about the change that is constant, though I ultimately always remain the same.

I find great joy in my age today. I am optimistic, ecstatic with excitement about what tomorrow will bring. what this summer will bring. I think this is a fantastic time to be single. knowing who I am, what I want, and knowing what makes me awesome. it’s odd how when I am in a relationship I forget some things about myself and I almost, in some strange way, file away my energy. it’s like I shelf my awesomeness and mold to the other person too much. I forget. I give it up.

I am happy to discover though how quickly it all comes back. I feel awesome. I am so excited about my life and so many amazing people in it. I’m excited about traveling and meeting new people. I love seeing the energy I put out coming back to me. I love happy people, I love happy moments and sharing adventures with good friends. I just got back from another awesome weekend in missoula, hanging with my ladies, skiing the bowl and taking a tour in the side country. dragged Kate out for her virgin tour and had a riot!

first night back home has me tossing and turning in my sheets. it’s almost a little too soft and I miss the sand and wind. I miss my companions I became so accustomed to over the course of last week. so many things to remember, stories to tell. it’s 3 am and I am awake, writing this down, but I have something else on my mind tonight.

perhaps I needed to find peace, perhaps I needed those people. that sacred place to move me, to bring me here, to my own sacred place. I spent a few evenings crying myself to sleep and staring at the stars, begging to find answers and to know my way. I prayed. there were many moments last week when I was in the presence of something greater than myself, something that demanded my respect and loved me in return. by the end of one magical week, I find contentment in understanding and seeing clearly. as if the desert eroded my resentment, depression and anxiety into the sand. I stood still and listened to the wind. listened to the deafening silence.

I am not angry anymore. I am not bitter. I don’t resent James for the choices he’s made. instead, I find gratitude because truly, he has given me the gift of life, a new tomorrow. after my return from italy, I arrived at a decision point. within that decision, I found peace. something that allowed me to forget, looking on instead, to the next adventure and giving thanks to the people around me I love dearly. what my life is truly made of. what makes it worth living.

what has been done, is done, and as porter puts it, everything happens for a reason. and as I know, there’s always a bright side in change. I’m always ready for change, it always gets better, eventually if not now than later. but today I am filled with love, appreciation and forgiveness.

keep my mind open, say yes, let life live and let it roll. so many good things come to you when you simply let life work its magic.

and as strange I felt about Dusty’s approaches towards me on the river, I let him slide in a bit because I kinda needed it. that rabble rousing, river riding, foul mouthed, charmer asshole of a cowboy whom I knew was trouble the day I met him at the put in. boy, could he sing and sing to me he did. me with my conscious choices to avoid him all together for most of the week, knowing I’d eventually have to get in his boat, then it’d be a hop and  skip into my pants. just like I really needed that moment at Schiphol airport in the form of a Manchester science teacher to make my day. you have no idea how you elevated my spirits. but I am still glad I escaped unscathed from his hands.

😉

I’ve decided to say yes. twist my arm, why don’t you. skiing powder this morning, heading to bell lake yurt tomorrow, working moonlight for a couple days, then hopping into a car to head for an impromptu cataract canyon rafting trip.

when life offers you chances, never say no.

i believe i deserve better. i believe im worth something better. i believe.

i’ve heard it from enough people now that I think I understand. I’ve felt like garbage lately because of what someone I love has done and said. I want to believe that it’s not too much to ask not be cheated on by my partner. it’s not too much to ask to be treated better, to be treated with respect. as much as I’ve tried to understand how he could do and say such things what I can really figure out is that he has no respect for himself, thus it presents itself as be has no respect for me. I don’t want to be with someone who has so little will and so little self respect.

one of the hardest things in life is to walk away from someone you love. it’s incredibly hard when you’re left with no choice. i’ve come to understand clearly now, that I have way too much self respect to stay in this relationship. because staying is like saying its too bad that I can be treated this way and I allow it to go on. it’s like saying I accept it. I am way too proud of a person to settle for it, to allow myself to be treated this way. I don’t have to put up with it. I dare to believe that someone, someday will make me happy and won’t wreck what we’ve built. I dare to believe that its not too much to ask not be cheated on.

I’m incredibly happy that I have friends and family to turn to to talk about all these things. It’s hard to try to put things into perspective all alone sometimes. I consider myself truly blessed to have such friends.