I say a lot of things here I shouldn’t. in general I have always said many things no one dares to say out loud. I am inappropriate. if there’s one place where I feel like I can be inappropriate and rant all these things out is this site. I feel safe here but lately that safety has been compromised by more than a few sources. when I began this process, I vowed never to let anything or anyone change my process or change the way I write. most importantly, I didn’t want to ever become inhibited in my writing solely based on what someone else thought about it. or when I knew other people were reading this. even those who shouldn’t.

I vow to hold my ground. this is my territory. if you poke yourself in here, you do so with your own risk. this place is my haven, my private diary. that just happens to be on the internet…. lol.

I have pondered if I should go private and if I should password this site. and here are some things I have decided. first of all, this is a very private place for me and the only people I have ever shared this site with are those who know me very closely. I think I have made the mistake of sharing site site with some folks whom were not as close. but instead of being ashamed of who I am and what I choose to rant about occasionally, I have decided to keep it up, letting go of those who won’t bother to get to know me any better but getting butthurt over some of the things I write about. those people have no place being here. really.

and I guess, as Kenny put it, I think I see my blog as a filter now. that is why “raking the sand” was mainly written as an experiment. as an experiment regarding someone. I long wondered why on earth she kept me in her occasional loop when it was always shrouded by a pretense of sorts. the thing is, that if she ever took an actual interest in our friendship, I would have just told her how I felt. if she was a good enough of a friend, we could talk about it. but the fact that she would do passive aggressive things, and really shitty things that make one question the basis of the friendship. never to discuss any of them, made me weary about remaining a friend. kinda reminds me of someone else I have let go of in my past. someone who could never say she was sorry. I realized a while ago that any event in our friendship was always dictated by her, and for a while I had always said that she would never go do anything if she hadn’t come up with the idea. kinda like with the wedding invites I was helping her with, I’ve never worked with anyone who wanted my help so badly, but didn’t want to accept it. and bitched me out in the mean time, because I wasn’t getting her project done …fast enough? all the while canceling dates to work together and not being able to find the time to work on them. and of course, there was never a thank you, or an apology. I really have met so many interesting people during my time in Bozeman.

I made my case.