that was a terrible idea. let’s not do that again.

I don’t mind being a part, but that truly is a long time. James and I finally skyped each other last night. I haven’t seen his face in three and a half months. seemed like we spent most of the conversation just staring at each other. hey, I think I remember you. and I might admit, I like you. blushingly, little afraid you might not feel quite the same way. like a bit shy to admit that I like you. oh gosh, I hope you like me too!

it’s like a first date with someone you already know you love like crazy. you just can’t remember the details. not quite being able to remember what it was you loved each other for. I just know that I do and will again. I wonder what it will be like to kiss him again. to wake up with him. to have a person in my life all of a sudden again after getting used to being alone.

some part of it feels unreal. there’s this guy out there somewhere that I’ve had a mad crush on and always miss sharing another moment with him. now he’s coming here. I get to keep him.

I’ll get to kiss him anytime I want.

I must admit I had one amazing summer. I reveled in me. the bliss. the life. the liberty, the true love in life and faith in me. faith in James.

no writing psycho shit.

then I leave again. I spent my last night with mom in Helsinki. we got a room at a spa hotel, treated ourselves to some neck massages, foot baths, peeling treatments and all kinds of steam rooms, saunas and mineral pools, amidst glasses of white wine and champagne. and a water slide of course. I loved being with her. I have always loved every minute with her. we work together a lot and I have always enjoyed that tremendously.

I can see the age in her. she looks great for woman of almost sixty who works her ass off. but it breaks my heart, you see, I always thought she would live forever. I worry about her often. I worry she drives her self too much. where will we be without her? how would I manage without her? god I love that woman from the bottom of my heart and not a day goes by when I forget to be amazed by her.

in the whee morning hours, I got up, she sleeping in a bed next to me, snoring away as she does. I took a shower, put my clothes on, combed my hair, closed up my bags and sat at the end of my bed, facing her for a moment before waking her up so say good bye. with every inch of my body I realized I did not want to leave. I felt like I couldn’t. though I did anyway, as I always do.

I love finland. I really do. I have for a long time, but I have finally come to terms with certain aspects of it that used to drive me crazy. they still do, but I tolerate them. somehow knowing that I don’t have to choose between two countries and that me staying there is only temporary makes me at ease. I guess I have always known this, but I am a person who needs constant change. I might never be satisfied with just one place. I need to know nothing is forever, and change is coming. I need to be able to get away on a healthy pace. and return. I have two magical places in my life that I get to keep. I have two amazing homes.

after 28 hours of travel, with a fantastic day wondering around in amsterdam, when I finally returned home, I was glad to be home. I’ve been gone all summer. after a barely slept night I got into my car in the morning to pick up moose and hang out with Rosanna for a bit. I drove to livingston and into the country side and it took my breath away. I realize how beautiful montana is. it was nice to notice it again and really see how amazing it is.

hope it snows soon. hope James comes home soon. I might be a little worried about when he does.. I have to get used to having him around again. I forgot what it’s like, but I know I’ll remember soon enough.

rossignol S7 in 178. moonlight ski patrol.

I feel complete.