I love being here momentarily with my friends and family. I love being finnish. I am grateful that I never quite had to let go of finland. and that especially now, I can begin to incorporate finland into my life in bigger steps and bigger doses. I am a finn, damn it. I am also an american. and I love many aspects of both. I also like being able escape both when I feel like it. I don’t want to choose between one or the other, nor do I feel like I have to anymore. the combination fits me. it suits me. it looks good on me.

I am in love with my life. aaaahgain.

I have plans of having a baby soon. in the next two years or so. I am not guite ready to give up my freedom and would like a couple more seasons of irresponsibility and reckless skiing adventures. I have a plan in place and I am working towards a certain goal. I think James is onboard with this as well. at least he doesn’t sound too opposed to it. as it is, he’d have a couple years to prepare himself for what’s to come. some aspect of this that might make him feel more comfortable, that he knows I would take care of everything and I can handle taking care of a baby and myself. not sure tho, maybe he thinks so, or is aware of it, maybe not. who knows, I never considered it until now.

hoewever, the truth of the matter is that it makes sense for me to give birth in finland and I have every intention of doing so. in essence I am setting things in line to eventually have the heath care and maternity leave of a finnish woman by the time I am ready for it. I think in the end, before it’s all said and done, I will end up spending upwards a year and a half in finland before returning back to the US with a child. James and I talked about this the other night and he told me he always wanted a pisces baby. funny thing, so have I. we have such a love filled house already, my dog never stood a chance. poor guy, all he knows is how to clear a cliff, run along my bike, swim and cuddle. cuddle cuddle cuddle. it’s almost a little embarrassing when he tries to cuddle with house guests and my friends. sometimes strangers.

strangely, and I feel slightly ridiculous about this, but the timeline of me being pregnant, prenatal care and eventual birth would fall nicely in line with James’ work and me being able to be in finland the times when I need to be, and if we were to get pregnant in may-june, he would be here in finland for the birth and the first couple months before needing to return to the states. and me following him little later with a four to six month old. meh.

I am a little embarrassed that I have planned this out so far. is that really so wrong tho, I feel like I have to start looking into the horizon for the things I want in my life and they way I want to do them. especially since I want to do this across two continents. I am kinda excited about working towards some goal like this… I have always operated with a long shot radar. I always see things further than tomorrow or next year. I have always been asking, and then what will you do?

haha! who is shocked here?

I have been working my ass off in finland. not like the insanity of christmas, but this time I have been able to get a lot of the work done that has been needing to get done. and I have a long list of things to do that keeps getting longer. I know that I am needed to do all this crap. often. but I like living at my parents, getting up early for my morning run, leaving by nine or eight for the hotel, spending all day working at the hotel. coming home late in the evening. reading a book and falling a sleep, to do it all over again the next day. everyone asks me if I am tired of always having to work when I come home, but in fact, I love it. I love everything about working at this hotel. there’s always so much that needs to get done and I barely have enough time to do everything.. or scrape the surface, really.

I can’t believe how fast time is flying by here, it always does. I miss James like crazy and as much as I don’t want time to go by so fast, as I want to stay here longer, I am still just so anxious to have James back home with me. so I have these mixed feelings of wanting it to be the 10th already so I can go home and see James, to not wanting time to go by so fast.

but I am sick and tired of missing James so much. I can bear it, but I feel like it’s getting to be tiring. it’s just such a long freaking time to be apart. we handle it very well, but seriously. next year he’ll try hard to be somewhere within 500 miles. I’d like that.

I want sex.

so, on another note. this is pretty stunning. I’ve forgotten how much the finns actually get in social heath care and general security and I finally filled an app to announce my official return to this country. I visited the office where I needed to do this and the helpful clerk there asked me if I needed to fill out an application for unemployment benefits as well while I was at it. asked me if I had a job since I left that part blank. I stared at him with my mouth open. really? um, no, I’m fine with just health care at this point.. if I could get that arranged, I would be stoked.

some words I have a hard time coming up with accurate translations. Puhditus could be akin to cleansing, ethnic cleansing. or a cleansing of a certain idealism in this case, communism, rather than any impure appearance. Vaino translates to persecution, thought I feel the connotation of the word in finnish is stronger to me than it’s english counterpart. I might be wrong.

yesterday Minka and I went and saw the movie called Puhdistus based on a book we’d both read. the book itself rocked my world. thought I didn’t find it a tough read, it moved me, just as all the other books I’ve read about our relatively recent and cruesome history. the wars, the military and the slaying of our kin and all. all by the hand of our neighbors, brothers and families. you never knew who might turn against you and turn up on the other side. who might point a finger, off you went and never came back.

I haven’t seen a movie in a while that shocked me as much as this one did. horrified because I know that even thought the book was fiction that the events held true to many people only a hundred years ago. though none of the finns were hauled off to siberia to die as they were in Latvia, they faced persecution and fear of whom might come storm down their door and slaughter your family. all fueled by rumors.

here I am again. this time it’s still green and pretty. I have been going for runs in the mornings when I wake up at some ungodly hour and I have enjoyed running on the ridge, in the forest and along the lakeside. pretty views, the prettiest place to run. I forget how humid it can be and I am generally dripping wet before I even get to sweating. smelling the autumn rot of numerous apple trees. love it.

we spent last weekend on the island. I haven’t been there in years since the hotel has taken up all our time. and I’ve pretty much only been here in the winter time since the summer I spent in finland when we first opened our hotel. I guess I could say it’s the truest home I know. I grew up on that island and it’s always held a very special place in my heart. I went to the point of the island and sat on what I have always called my rock. I spent hours there as a teenager, pondering about my life. finding intermittent peace during my stormy years. silence. just the water and the forest. my rubber boots. so many memories.

we heated the sauna in the evenings, as we always would. me and my little sister dive bombed off the dock into the brisk lake from the sauna. the heat from a wood burning stove is hard to beat. I can’t wait to share the sauna experience with James. bathing in the in the light of one storm lanter outside the window, mixing hot and cold water from the basin to find the right temperature and dumping scoops of water on yourself. I love every aspect about it and it’s one thing I miss terribly about finland. always. I love a good löyly and I love the steam from the stove so hot it burns my finger nails. that’s always been my measurement of a good löyly. everyone enjoys their saunas differently, I have always been more the abrupt sort, throwing water on the stove one scoop after another until I can feel the burn. aahhhh! ..and then having to jump in the lake to cool off and do it all over again. I love it!

me, mom, and my sisters spent the afternoons picking hordes of chanterells and blueberries. it’s fall here. i can feel it in the wind, the somber rainy nights and the rotting forests. I embrace every minute of it. I didn’t take the canoe out cause no one took care of the paddles. all I found was a rotting pile of wood that resembled the remnants of paddles and oars. I think the canoe is probably growing moss. oh well.

picked up a car off the hotel lot to drive around for a bit. I think it’s a ’73 (give or take) 142 navy blue volvo. hah! fun. I think I like it a lot. no power steering, old enough it has a choke, and all the lights and wipers are little pull tabs like in a bug. but runs like a champ and started right up. so much fun!

Minka and I made plans to go to porvoo tomorrow. I’m excited to check out the old town, I’ve heard so much about it. this saturday mom, Noona and I are heading to Paris. I want to visit Versailles, haven’t been there since I was a kiddo. perhaps the Louvre.

I love coming here for a while and working here. hanging out with family and friends. actually having some time to be a part of their daily lives. god, how I’ve missed it for all the years I’ve been gone. I am thankful for my life that I can do this now. I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend who supports my decisions and my travel plans. first man to ever really do so and not whine about it. I am thankful I have this amazing family. a home to come to. some really wonderful and genuine friends!