some of the happiest moments in my life have been when I’ve found the courage to let go of what I cannot change.

the older I get, the more opportunities I get to practice this. I’ve let go of a few people in my life. my ex saw the hardest to walk away from. though all my friends kept telling me to dump his ass, and I was trying, it wasn’t until I personally came to a point where I realized the only one I was hurting was myself by staying in touch with him. we each need to get there on our own. just like britt will get there on her own with jon. but since then, and well, since we were on the topic of letting people go, I let a few others go too. I purged.

just like I let my dad go. I don’t regret any of them, thought I’ve always felt very bad about walking away from someone. like it’s a shameful or a dirty thing to do, to leave people behind. but I’ve stuck it out. I think it’s my right to this life to purge the ones who suck the life out of you. I wouldn’t have minded had I learned this few years earlier. I think I wasted a large portion of my life in company of people whom didn’t make me better, just bitter. who kept taking, never really giving a whole lot. I’ve known a lot of people who wanted me in their lives just to make them feel cool. seriously this has happened. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been hanging out with someone and realized that the main reason I was standing there next to them is because I made them look good. or I just provide much needed company.

I feel like I’ve me t a lot of people in bozeman who take no interest in really getting to know me better, or seem so uninvolved that they don’t see why I might be awesome.

fuck, I think that’s it! maybe that’s what sets this town apart from towns like missoula. I feel like there I’ve met way more people who take an honest and general interest in who I am and what I have to offer. I was kinda used to that kind of a vibe in Portland too, where people are actually genuinely interested in one another. I’m used to making friends in a heart beat. I love making new frineds, and do so all the time. just not in bozeman. here it’s hard to get them to even talk to you, it’s almost like you;re dating someone and are too proud to admit you might like them, ro show any interest. as in like, showing genuine ineterst in a person is a shameful thing. it’s just weird! in bozeman, most aren’t interested in anyone else but themselves and their own little circle or agenda. and most seem to think they’re a bad ass. or maybe they don’t… but the skiing community sure can’t for the life of them ski with another person other than their trusted two.

I mean. don’t just assume that I don’t know my shit, why don;t you take the time to find out? “that’s the big boys club” what are you even saying to me? seven out of ten, I probably have more experience and knowledge in the mountains that you do any way.

you fucking day tripper.

“Read your blog…forgot that you had one until drinks the other day.  It’s unfortunate to hear that you feel so strongly about Bozeman and those of us who live here.   It’s hard not to take it personally.  I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to feel that way about a town I live in and choose to stay.”

I see.

I could see how someone might get offended by my last post. my language comes off a bit angry. when I wrote it, I felt like saying it. I might be wrong here, but I don’t think you have any right to be offended by something that was not intended for you. contrary to what you might believe, you are not the topic of my conversation.. well, until now. and well, maybe you did see yourself in that post… so, did I nail it? before you jumped to conclusions, did you bother to read the post prior? or the last five? did you see a post couple years back about my struggles with this town, that relentlessly continue from one season to the next?

it’s kinda like eavesdropping into a conversation you know nothing about.

I write to remember my life. these are intended for myself, not for you, as a reminder how I felt that day. where I was and who I was. any of whom care about me enough to read any of this junk I spill out, know my background and where I come off saying this. they have most likely taken the time to read MOST of it. most likely, have been there with me through these few years and have a pretty good understanding not to take these things to heart. then there are those who googled me and randomly found this, but oh well.

writing about my life is how I get to my zen garden, I am raking the sand. I come here to rant, love and cry. sometimes I’m kicking and screaming.

if you actually took a little time and read what I write about, you might also know what it has felt like to ski here the past three years, encountering one attitude after another. encountering isolation. but hey, since you don’t ski, rock or ice climb, run white water, mountain bike, or do anything other than snowshoe and hike how could you know, I don’t expect you to know. (or that’s just what you say you do, but I’ve gone on two hikes with you over the three years I’ve known you). in essence you don’t engage in any adrenaline sports. I am not blaming, I don’t care what you do. but you have no idea what kind of a town we live in if you are not the least bit involved in the sports that dictate our lives. or the attitude that follows them.

I wish you could take a moment to step outside of yourself and at at least try to imagine what my life is like. and know that I live in paradise. and that to me, this place is heaven on earth. I have friends in montana whom I am much closer to, who know exactly what I am talking about. and that Bozeman’s general masses are the butt end of a few jokes.

you have no idea what it feels like to plan yurt trips and have a hard time coming up with 6 local people to fill the yurt. or want to go mountain biking and have exactly two people to call, who work every day. you have no idea what it feels like to not have rock climbed a single peak in montana in two years since I don’t know anyone who climbs trad! and in essence have given up my climbing career for the time being because of it. do you know how much I would love, no, die to tie onto the end of a rope and climb up an icy couloir with a good climbing partner? do you!!??

I can’t imagine you really get how much it means for me to ski, how it rules my life. and how it breaks my hearts that skiers in this town are such assholes. do you know why I choose to live in this town? you also have no idea, what amazing resort we live right next to. what it’s like to drop into a couloir, clear a cliff, rail a log and scare the shit out of myself on a daily basis at our local hill. I’m guessing you could hardly appreciate the fact that I equate skiing to sex, and vice versa or what that really means. it’s my life line. these sports, are my life line. you don’t know who I am when I ski; you don’t know who I am.

as it is we hardly hang out, because you just can’t seem to find the time. don’t act all apologetic about it, I don’t mind. I don’t sit around hoping you’d call to hang out. I have a few good friends and know a few awesome people in this town.

did you ever take the time to know what this feels like, who I am, or what makes me awesome?

so, what makes you awesome?

life is rad. good friends are rad. laughing my ass off is rad. giggling hysterically about the epic failure of the magnificent success tickles me silly. it’s always bordering somewhere on hilarity or terror.

boy, where to begin. the past few weeks have made my summer complete and I am ready to check out, enjoy the cooler climates in scandinavia and brace myself for winter. actually, no bracing required, I think I am partially going to finland to waste time. to waste time till my babe comes home and snow starts falling again.

I have spent a few weeks in missoula with britt et al. and I don’t quite know where to even begin to explain how elated I have felt being with with people I truly love spending time with. also making lots of new friend, that I am thrilled to spend time with.

being away and coming back here reminds me how stale some people are in bozeman. it’s almost like real joy does not exist here. this summer has reminded me that, fuck, I can be awesome, shit, I can be fun. I love to laugh my ass off, I am a blast to hang out with and I am truly a good friend.

spending the past three years in bozeman has made me seriously doubt that. has made me think maybe I just got old, maybe I am difficult and stuck up. but fuck it, I am not!!! I realize now that it’s not so much me. it’s this fucking town with it’s stuck up bunch of assholes who can’t just have fun, for the sake of fun. what happened to just laughing your ass off? why is that completely lost with many of the folks I meet here? It’s nice to be home and sleep in my own bed and I have known for a long time that the only reason why I keep staying here is because of the skiing. I love being on this side of the divide, I just wish some people didn’t suck do bad. why is that? maybe with patrolling I’ll meet some more skiing folks. dare to dream.

I guess I am incredibly relieved that I can find so much joy in my life. I have been pretty depressed at times about the people in bozeman. I am relieved to understand that maybe it’s not all my problem as to why I don’t have that many adventure friends in this town. here all along I had been thinking that I got old, lame and stuck up. and that maybe I suck as a friend. it’s nice to be reminded that I am actually a very good friend to a lot of people. and I am a blast to hang out with. damn it. I’ve forgotten what it felt like to be surrounded by people who care about you, your friendship and appreciate spending time with you. spending this summer traveling and hanging out with friends who seem to be genuinely stoked about life and hanging out, and also meeting lots of new people that are genuinely FUN to hang out with, has made me relieved. and thus incredibly happy. and perhaps I don’t fret so much anymore about the lack of like minded friends in bozeman. I have James, and we have our few friends, and I am happy with the few I’ve got. and it keeps getting better, all the time, but it’s just really slow in the making. and obviously I need to just let go of some and let the chips rest where they fall.

James did ask me tho if we needed to move to missoula. god, I love that man. but we don’t. I think I like this arrangement, a lot. we spend winters here, ski and ski patrol, James leaves for the summer, we always have a house here and I get to roam around. perfect!

regardless, I have been biking my ass off in missoula, patched my tire with duct tape. had a few big bails. and epic failures, with epic successes. rode a bunch of cherries in missoula. partied with hot shots. bled profusely. drew up logos, picked colors. stayed at cabins or million dollar houses by the lake. watched columns of fire. loved life to every minute.

and most importantly came together with complete love for who I am. and certain friends whom I love dearly, who lifted my heart. who reminded me why I am worth loving. thank you for those, you know who you are. god, I love this life!

so there.

mountain standard time. pick up trucks. horse trailers. dogs run free. tip my hat to the northern rockies and prairie land. to cougars and bears. to whistle pigs, bless their lives—and guts—for the highway toll.

shit, I live in an amazing place. after all my travels so far this summer I always love coming home. there isn’t a place that compares to this state. I am coming out of the closet with my secret admiration of cowboys, ranchers and country music. for years I have loved that aspect of american culture. I even love that James is a genuine Tennessee hillbilly. I think I belong in montana.

big things changed when I caught this side of continental divide. it didn’t catch on for a while, I found myself missing the pacific northwest like crazy. I used to be proud of oregon. I still am. I used to root for oregon. less and less each season. I didn’t even visit portland while I was oregon for a month this time around. I didn’t see the point. besides visiting few very dear frineds, there wasn’t anything there for me. I was pretty surprised to realize it. I used to love visiting portland after I’d left. but what’s in a city? shopping? bars? restaurants? I guess I am just not that interested anymore. too many people, too big, too much traffic. too many people who have no idea what’s outside the city, outside the state. don’t get me wrong, portland is amazing and there’s nothing wrong with living an loving it there. but I know something different now. most of the people I know there never left. some don’t even travel much, or at all. or just don’t get it why I’d want to live far out of reach of the big civilization.

it’s hard to explain to anyone how different life is here. or what it really is that I love so much about it unless you get to experience it first hand. I love every aspect about it. the lack of people, wide open land. lack of rules. the big skies. it’s storms and sunsets. it’s still wild west out here. it’s the best thing I’ve ever found. renegade.

I’ve met a lot of people along the way. it’s made me appreciate James even more. I am incredibly grateful that he loves me. that he loves me so freaking much. can’t wait for my hot stuff to come back. I miss him. he’s the best of the rest.