I don’t know what it was about the cow pastures, cow pies, thunder storms, red ants, the feminine power bringing together thousands of people to celebrate, that was akin to a community, home, religion, pride.

I stood out in the field after another violent thunder storm had passed. the skies were torrent with cloud patterns of the montana summer storms. the horizon was burning orange when emmylou harris came on stage. her hair blowing silver in the wind of the setting sun and the dawning, glittering moon. brittnea and I had giggled ourselves silly with our lawn chairs in the back of my 4runner, drinking mushroom tea, hiding from the storm. we were coming down and I felt right as rain. peaceful, beautiful, like I had come home. I stopped in the field, stared at the amazing sky, the horizon, the mountain ranges around us and gave thanks for my meandering life that had brought me here. to this moment. this day. this life.

it was like I had found something that I had been looking for all along. we both did. we found it in the music, in the spirit of the people, in the morning yoga amidst the sun baked cow pies. I had been there for four days and when it was time to go home, something had set root in me, something grew a little. something got started and I fell in love with montana and it’s people all over again. I felt pride in all of us for being there, for rising to the occasion.

this is my burning man. I love country music.

spending the past couple days riding in missoula has made me fall in love with mountain biking again. I like it here. I am tired of the endless switchbacks, shale, drops, stairs and rock piles. it’s refreshing to ride different things. I enjoy the technical, but somedays I would like to be able to choose.

I realize tho, that having ridden in bozeman has made a better rider on the technical parts. granted, I am not nearly the agro rippers in bozoland, but when I rode mackenzie I realized how much easier the technical sections were for me now. they were tricky fun.

the trails here are sooooo groovy. what I always liked about mountain biking is that it filled my need for skiing on the off season. I like to go fast. I’d rather go fast than be negotiating a stair step of roots and drop offs.

my my. life is amazing. I returned to the treasure state yesterday after an awesome couple weeks on the road, sleeping in the dirt and being eaten by mosquitoes.

as predicted, I was sooo sad to leave James behind again, but as always, the closer I got to montana, the better I felt. I can’t wait for winter. James will be back, things will turn white and quiet. everything will be right in my world again. I miss him. with brittnea going through a break up it’s had me talking more about James and how easy our relationship really is. listening to brittnea also makes me see how well we communicate. we can say touchy things to one another, and though we might get upset about it for the time being, I love that everything feels open. I don’t lie to him, I don’t need to hold things from him. I can be completely open to him. I have no secrets, I also don’t feel like I need to report to him either.

there are things I’ve learned in my many years of dating. I think I take them, the experiences, for granted, but I feel like I spent some long hours talking with brittnea about losing herself in the relationship and ultimately taking that self-disappointment out on her partner and forgetting to actually tell him that he matters. forgetting to love herself and thus losing the ability to love others abundantly, with compassion and with out reserve. we’ve all been there. this has been my biggest down fall in any relationship and I have to work on constantly. I have to make myself to get out, to leave him for a bit. to roam. because I know what happens if I don’t take care of me. it all starts with me. my ability to love is a sad thing to waste, I want to love the world.

I expect both of us to be attracted to other beings in our life time, and there’s no shame in that. it’s perfectly normal and that is ok. but I also think maturity comes in understanding that even though you will meet people you are attracted to, it does not mean you ever need to pursue it, or act on it. rather, you might appreciate it happening, the feeling and observe it from the comfort of your existing healthy and balanced partnership. the one you also know and understand will never be the same if you cross that line. it’s at that moment you need to understand the true weight and ramifications of your choice. now that I am on the other side, the one that was cheated on, continuously lied to and betrayed, it has shifted my thinking to how could I ever hurt someone so deeply by doing something so stupid, selfish and ultimately meaningless as cheat on my partner. only to break his heart? as long as I love him, I could never hurt him. that fact alone is my strongest beacon.

on another note. kind words don’t cost a thing. I’ve learned to take care of my man. (dunno, ask James, I don’t know if he even realizes what I am doing and why I do what I do). I have learned to make sure that he knows. I understand he needs me to tell him, that I do, in fact, appreciate him. greatly. he’s never asked for this, but I know if I don’t tell him, how would he ever know? I think in many relationships we forget how to treat each other right. in general, as couples, most of us forget that we can’t read minds, and we don’t necessarily just know that our partner loves us, appreciates us or is even grateful that we choose to be their partner. if none of this is verbalized, how do you ever really know? and let’s face it, kind words, no matter who blesses them to us, elevate our hearts. no matter who you are, or what the situation is. then why not litter your partner with a steady supply of encouragements, acknowledgements, compliments and simply —love. if you love someone, tell them how you feel, because one day it might be too late.

and I do sincerely believe that since I tell him often how great I think he is, and often verbalize why I appreciate him, it helps ease his mind and in exchange I get trust, faith and freedom to roam.

it works both ways. all I need to hear from him is why he loves me every so often and I am content. I don’t doubt, I don’t sit around wondering, I get freedom to focus on other things. I get freedom to roam.

I took off monday morning, took my national exam in missoula tuesday, hugged some friends and headed west. I pulled off the road somewhere north of La Pine to sleep. kissed my boyfriend by noon on 4th of July.

spent a few days camping, enjoying mountain lakes, lazy rivers. enjoying the company of my best friend. it looks like now it’s time to move on and see more of these states. I’ve been bumming around for a week, time to get on with it. looking at shasta, thinking of a ski tomorrow or in a couple days. might head north to mackenzie river trail. want to bike around crater lake. those things this week. raft the deschutes next week.

I’ve never really spent much time on the east side of the cascades this far south. I have to say, that it’s a bit depressing. it’s impoverished waste land. not a single nicer house anywhere, most resemble shanties or dilapidated shacks with piles of old cars, metal and other junk in the yard. lots forest service compounds or mexicans who seem to ride 5 to a car, sedan or truck, no matter. it’s sad to see, but I appreciate that perspective. coming out this way really makes me appreciate montana’s beauty. how peaceful it is and even in it’s rugged redneck-ness—quite clean.

I’m sitting in a coffee shop in shasta, trying to focus on work, but I have too much on my mind, so many things to do, so little time. found out last night I passed my national exam, and officially became an EMT-B. just like that.

might go for a swim with moose in the afternoon.

it’s been a crazy few days. I skied some snow patches, quite large ones actually, in the tobacco roots on saturday. spent friday night in Pony, getting to know some locals. stayed up too late and got up too early for a ski, all of it was way more effort than it needed to be, all my own doing, but it was well worth it. rode up the mountain on the high seat in the bed of the pickup staring into the precipice of the washouts. exciting. good company, fantastic ski and a beautiful summit.

sunday we got together again and ran a healthy section of the gallatin river. I oared tim’s cat down the mad mile and through house rock rapids. we scoped it out on our way to the put in and I felt pretty comfortable with it. wee bit scared and nervous. Spencer took the adventure seat of the cat, patted me on the helmet, seemed sure that I’d do fine, and said go for it.

so I have been thinking. I have taken a lot of things I learned when I was a kid for granted. things like skiing, I learned it so young, that it’s second nature and I don’t remember learning how. like cross country skiing, or sewing, or knitting for that matter. shit, I know how to make rugs and churn butter and I am really good at making and tending fires. most of these things I have no recollection of learning. I do remember learning how to swim long distance tho.

so then there’s oaring. I have completely taken it for granted. it’s one of those things I just always assumed everyone knows. like riding a bike. though I do remember learning that too. wait. did I learn how to ski before I learned to ride a bike?? I don’t remember learning how to oar. I remember several years back I was with my ex in row boat in Finland. he got behind the oars and it quickly dawned on me he had no idea what he was doing. which seemed unfathomable to me, it surprised me. just like when I Spencer was in my boat, he asked me “you’ve seriously never done this before?” as in, you couldn’t tell that I had never oared anything through rapids. especially not that tight ones. I’ve paddled things, but never oared, not long rapids.

so I have come to an epiphany… this is not me bragging or anything, but fuck… I was born to do it. damn it, if there’s something I am actually surprisingly good at, it’s oaring a raft. thanks to Kenny for bringing me closer to white water and making me pilot my own ship. believing in me and never having any doubt I couldn’t do it. even thought I doubt myself often. I feel like I have had a big revelation. suddenly I understand the whole equation in a different way. the water, the current and I understand the oars and the boat and I love everything about it. I always have and I have wanted to get a raft for a long time, but been afraid. always afraid that I don’t have what it takes. Tim didn’t have any doubt when he helped me adjust the seat in the cat, hopped onto another boat, leaving me alone with his.

I like friends that push me to do things.

Klamath Falls.