I have to be honest.

so, there has been this thing that has always kinda hung over me for a long time. I always wondered about someone in my past, what went wrong and what could have been, or should have been. or not. though I have tried, truth is that he has never fully left my mind. for a few years now, every once in a while I get lost in thought and wonder about him. I don’t really know him, but I have always had this hunch that he was an amazing person. somehow for years I always saw myself as a giddy, dorky, school girl next to him, I always thought perhaps I wasn’t good enough. that he was way cooler than me. silly, but I know now, that I wasn’t good enough then because I wasn’t good enough for me and it took me a long time to fix that.

I have always had a slight concern of when I might run into him, I figure it’s only a matter of time when we might have to have something to do with each other and deal with any awkwardness that might result and actually learn to be friends. what I’ve always really wanted and have actually always regretted having a fling with him instead of pursuing a friendship I always thought might have been worth it. ah. lessons learned.

I have also never told a soul about this until now. writing it down here. after Kenny gave me a hard time over the shit I write in here, I feel the need to clarify what I meant. as with most things in here, I strive to write them down how they really are. sometimes it takes me a couple tries to actually know where I am.

a few years back, when my relationship was starting to fall apart (though I didn’t quite know it yet, how badly it was going to end) and I found myself frustrated and literally at the end of my rope, I sat down and I poured it all out in this blurb about who summed up my perfect guy. the kind that does not exist. I posted it on craigslist and got an insane amount of replys in the two hours I was away from my computer. I never wrote the post in a search of someone, I wrote it more as a scream out to somewhere, to someone, to the void. kinda like what I am doing here. to myself really, I guess. I never bothered to make much out of all those replys except for this one that kinda summed up all that I had asked for. I mean, what are the odds?

but I think in general, what we have here is the attraction to the idea of him. I never really got to know him at all, didn’t ever get a chance to either, so it’s hard to say. therefore he has always remained a mystery.

something changed yesterday. I realized that perhaps I was a scary thing for him, perhaps he was intimidated by me. or perhaps it was too complicated, who the fuck knows. so many reasons, wrong time, wrong place, but the right person. I think he scared me,  perhaps the feeling was mutual and maybe he always actually was somewhat curious, or I was some kind of a dirty secret. in some weird way that make s a person not shit, nor get off the pot. why else keep in contact for years to come with out ever meeting in person again? and then why always cancel ever single chance to meet at the last moment? I think he doesn’t have the guts….  yeah, I said it. but after all, did I avoid him..? maybe I never had the guts? this time I wouldn’t have butterflies in my stomach, not like I wondered if I would. I am content in knowing the man I have at home is above the rest, even if there’s someone I’ve sometimes wondered about. I guess I am saying I don’t care as much anymore. the thought of it and him makes me smile, still, but really what am I, or him, ever going to do with any of this information? absolutely nothing.

I have wondered if I would ever get my questions answered and if I’d always have to wonder. not like I could ask anyone. ever. life has a funny way of working things out. offering perspective.

thank you.