I turned 33 today. last night a bartender wouldn’t serve me a beer without my id. I thought I had started to look older than that. I understand my age. I am perplexed by it, but welcome it all the same. I feel like life has been a long journey and I adore all my memories. I have loved so many moments in my life and I hope for many more to come. I am reflecting.

so what do you do once your life has reached perfection? a zenith. as all things ebb and flow, so does my relationship with James. I struggle with things in my past, present and future, figuring out how to balance my life and what things are important to me and what are not. but in the end, or the beginning for that matter, I understand that these are my issues and my struggles. I feel badly for putting James through the awkward demands of my life, and feel sympathy for him even trying. what I have really come to see and understand is that I have an amazing man who loves me deeply. he really does and I see it in him every day. it warms my innards every time I notice it. it’s a unique privileged to enjoy the affection and love of another to this volume. James is like an ocean of love. what did I ever do right to deserve such love? I am forever grateful for it.

along with a wonderful man, I am amazed to find myself in this stage in life. I have a career that I love, that I will continue working on, I live in paradise. I really do and way too often I have forgotten to appreciate that. lately I have been asking myself the question: what on earth did I ever choose right to get this as my life now..? how did I get so damn lucky to be alive here, now, today, in this amazing place, with all these privileges, with all these opportunities to live and experience my life.

I have my citizenship interview on thursday. that’s a big part of the reason why I am reflecting. I can’t believe it’s finally time. I had to make a choice I avoided making for 13 years. I am really nervous about this, though all signs point that I should be just fine. but still. even though nothing will really change, it’s still a major mile stone in my life. not that this has been a goal that I would have been working for, it’s more like I am admitting that a part of me belongs here.

I don’t know how to put what I am feeling in words. there’s this onset of age. like a certain kind of calm and peaceful knowledge, experience, calmness, patience, gratitude and love. the rage has left me, the fire has evened to a stead fast warmth. this is what I feel inside. I am immensely grateful of what happened to me. about 4 years ago I was in a wildly different place in my life, still ridden with angst and roar. I was angry and I was gutwrenchingly sad. and I had no idea who I was, what my value was and what had been done to me.

it’s plain as day looking at it from here. a turning point. more like a guillotine point. savage tearing that led me here, living in paradise, working for myself, having an amazing man, mountains and blue skies all around. I needed something to knock me out, no punch me out of my pattern and force me to choose my life. for once, for myself.

I am headed to enjoy some of it. I am going skiing. by my self, for my birthday.