if I ever feel doubt I come here. read old stories and quickly remember. I remember all the joys and the tears. I remember all the lessons. the ones I always seem to tell ourselves we will never make again, yet they fade into the past. pain forgotten seems like it never took place. it’s hard to recall an emotion so dense that ailed your body. it’s like the smell of the memory remains, but with our capacity to forget, we also forget what we learned. or didn’t.
I have kept a collection of my emotions and experts from my life in little notebooks for ages and I have always found it a blessing to read any bits of them again. they are the only true story of my life that I know. when I read back on them, one thing that surprises me often, is how vivid the writing is, how clear the emotion. be it happiness, love, sorrow, yearning, screaming, the writings bring me close to what I thought, felt and remembered. even thought I carry a collection of memories with me, nothing can tell it like a written account from your own hand and heart, remind you where you have been.
these tales have infinite value in my life. their preciousness cannot be measured, and party I am assured, that not one who has never shared this experience can truly understand and see it’s mountain moving strength. because these are messages from myself to myself. messages of love. the most important kind of love.
today i come to here to remember my voice. remember who I am, heed to the tales. this is me!
it’s a scary thought to look at my life and see, really understand, that I am ready and able to have a kid. it seems that through the years those horrific thoughts and nightmares of how my life would change and the things I would have to give up don’t really seem that major at all. slowly I begin to understand that those sacrifices are probably something I have been becoming ready for. I suppose they are a natural part of life.
at the same time I have slowly begun to understand my age. I am turning 33 this february. I am not young anymore. I like where I am in my life, but I don’t like the stillness of it all at this moment. I do and I don’t. I like not being crazy busy, but busy is what moves me. so how do I move without it? sitting in a classroom full of twenty somethings, it suddenly dawns on me that I am not that young anymore. sure, I can hang, but who am I kidding, I am thirty-something. I always took ride in the fact that I feel like I took everything out of my youth, but with age slowly dawns the inevitable realization that there’s so much more I could have done. some part of my life is in the past and has died, or is always dying. it’s an inevitable dawning of age that brings this sense of loss. actually, I did an amazing job, really. but still, there’s always more. I’m a bit greedy.
I am not having any kids. just because I can, doesn’t mean that I will. not yet. it’s just that I understand now what it takes and it looks like the most natural thing to do at this age. everyone I know is doing it. even those whom I thought wouldn’t.
“We just find ourselves here. With our individual birth we just “wake-up” and discover ourselves in the midst of an extraordinary world of beauty and sorrow. All around us we see exquisite and exquisitely subtle orders played out effortlessly. From the lazy descent of fall leaves to the slow unfolding of cloudscapes in empty blue skies, it is all just here and we are just here to see it.
Day after day we wake again to find the world still here, waiting for us as we play out our own small dramas with their small triumphs and terrible heartbreaks. And then, remarkably, astonishingly, just here just ends.”
life. in all it’s miraculousness of being here. I think I do a fair job of keeping in mind that we are, after all, just standing on a piece of rock, flying through universe at ungodly speeds. we get so easily wrapped up in our little drama’s. our beautiful planet is turning to ruins due to the fact that majority of the population frequently chooses to forget this fact. I have known so many to get upset and angry at life, I have been there too.
once in a while I lay awake at four in the morning, having a little freak out about what am I doing with my life, what should I be doing with my life and who is measuring? who am I living the life for? in all of it’s amazing glory, I too forget, that after all, we merely “wake up” into it one day and then amazingly, one day, it just ends for us. we are a fleeting moment in time, a fleeting moment in history, perhaps our lives mattered to a few. maybe they mattered to many, but in context, we’re still living an extraordinary, magical experience of simply being here, living, on this small planet, with no real purpose.
who put me here? why am I here? but I have no duty. no higher deity is making sure I am filling my quest. the amazing thing about this life is that no one is ever coming to tap on the shoulder and asking: how are you contributing to this world? are you being the best you can be?
I live in a magical place, in a magical world and I have magical life. sadly, I know I am a minority. I love this earth and I am truly blessed to be alive in this time of the world. it truly is an amazing time to be alive and to experience.
I am thankful for this blessed life.
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I never stop to think how lucky I am of my legal freedom. it has been a very, very long time since the long arm of the law would have reached out to me. the less conversations you ever have with a law/government official the better of any American is through out their lifetime.
it’s a sad reality that the juridical system we have in place merely seeks to de-habiliate rather than make anyone a better citizen. if you ever get trapped in the cogwheel, you are a criminal no matter what your involvement really was. even if you plead ‘not-guilty’, you will still be implicated, incarcerated and prosecuted to the full extent of the law. what if you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? what if someone pointed a finger at you randomly?
it’s kinda like if my ex would have ever actually gone ahead and sued me… the whole time I just prayed and begged that he would not bring that upon me. once someone does, there’s nothing you can do to stop them, even if they are crazy. anyone can sue anyone, or call the cops n anyone, or accuse anyone of anything. without any legal proof of ground to stand on.
…this is also why I always thought it would be amazingly funny to call the police on my drunk driving ex. like it’s not enough he lost is house, he should lose his drivers license and with it his career. and his freedom.
the effects of such actions are amazingly permanently damaging to most americans. we are not criminals, we are just people living our lives, minding our own business, until suddenly someone minds us. I pray i will be spared from this.
I pray for more years of peaceful freedom to come. and thus I give thanks to my freedom. my political, religious and moral freedom. my life of biss, thanks to all these freedoms and liberties. I am blessed.
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