everywhere I go, as long as I can remember, I have observed my surroundings, adopted and adapted. over and over again. it could be stated that who I am is a result of many judgments and decision I have applied upon myself. rules I have made, paths I have followed. many of these things I have chosen consciously as a result of decisions that have been largely base on my perception and therefore judgment of the world around me.

I live in a culture that largely frowns upon these claims. judgment is a dirty word. judgment is human nature. there is nothing wrong with a constant evaluation of yourself in this world. I think everyone could use a little bigger dose of such judgment. we judge our whole lives and pretend like we are not doing so constantly. it is normal and healthy to judge.

what you do with that judgment is a different matter, but don’t judge judgment for itself.

noun

ultimately is what it comes down to. I could find a million reasons why I should leave, change things, change my life. I can always be unsatisfied with status quo. but true art lies in being able to tell the difference and to weight the options.

it’s not in my nature to ever really accept anything or just settle in the pace in life. without reaching for something else. I am trying to find balance with in myself and live in harmony with another human being. I have been breaking up with people since I was fourteen. something that now seems like a pretty clear pattern. I don’t think that those relationships would have really truely worked out on the long run regardless, but what does it say about me?

I have been living a very seclusive and independent life, away from any roots or family for over half of my life. sailing from one relationship to another, but always just visiting. experiencing the moment with full force and giving it my all, only to flee when I suddenly panic and realize that I actually don’t want to share my life completely. that I don’t want to be a lesser version of my self. that there are things about my self that I might not really be willing to share. though I try. I share my all. I donate myself to the cause. for the sake of love. I have been learning from relationships the majority of my life, but I can never seem to be able to truely learn and see the mistakes I am making. The gifts that I am giving without knowing that I really should not be giving them at all.

I always want to be free. and alone. it’s more inkling to a lifetime curse. it’s a delicate dance between two people, trying to know understand where my boundaries are and what aspects of my life I am willing to give up, which I am willing to negotiate and which never seem to go away. the ones that are too important for me to give up. how do I make those things fit into my life and how can we find and maintain common ground.

I see it clearly now. I see myself clearly. the patterns in the life of a 32 year old. can we move on from this and maybe work on new patterns?