James and I are making the move. We have been practically living together in my place since late last fall. Sure he has his own lace, but it’s nice to stay at mine since it’s private. And quite frankly, a very sweet spot. I will miss my place greatly but the move feels right. It feels right because we found a place that is just as quirky as I am. I can’t wait to decorate it’s walls with mirrors and hang up my globe. I have wondered if I should be scared, worried or somehow concerned that we might be making a mistake. But I have never met anyone that I would rather live with than James.

In the process of packing and cleaning my place, I came across and old diary of mine, back when I was still doing it in ink. It appeared to be mostly written through out the early years of dating Jason. it’s funny how we forget the mistakes we’ve made ad the places we have ended up in. I have written them down so that I could go back and read my memories. maybe learn from them. maybe realize I had learned nothing at all. it seems keeping a diary reminds us of our mistakes past and shows us how we might never learn from our mistakes. the diaries I have written give me a direct link to remember how I felt, what I thought, how much something hurt or bothered me at the time. enough that I spent time putting it down in pen. that is why I write. to remember.

I feel like I never have a very good gauge on how things are now, or where I am today, as to how they should be and how they could be. I have always had a hard time in stepping back and seeing me from a distance. and seeing things for what they really are. particularly in relationship and thus I evoked my license to date for quite some time. when I was in the relationship with Jason, I was inherently blind to the warning signs form day one. my diary reflects hurt and anger on many pages, spread over days and months. it seems clear now that the relationship should have never taken place (granted, had it not, I would not be living this dream). all the signs were there, yet somehow I managed to blame myself for a majority of our problems. the diary screams quilt. and self-hate. I am of strong belief that all those feelings were imposed on me by him and were a result of his own blame on himself and his low self-esteem, not mine. being the spineless fish that I am sometimes, I fell into my role of making everyone better and making everyone happy. pick him up and mend his broken wings. I was doing it without even knowing it.

I doubt myself a lot. I doubt my judgment. for a good reason. I have strong faith in James, but at the same time, I never stop being critical of everything he does, as to how that might fit into my picture of the future. is he the right person after all? has he always been? what is the criteria here? how do you decide who to be with and who to build a life with? does our relationship have the tell tale signs of eventual breakup after all?

what I do now. here are the facts. I cannot think of a single reason why I wouldn’t be with him. why we wouldn’t live together. either I have grown up and matured, or I have actually met a man, that mysteriously our volatile personalities can live in harmony. we swim in the same current. and somehow it works. it’s a blessing to be in a relationship where everything is easy. all the time. we bicker at times, but rarely do we fight. which is surprising seeing that I am a fighter. I know that about myself.

or it snows. and then it melts. everyday I can’t decide between walking to work, riding my bike, going to yoga, going for a hike, or just skipping work that day!

the weather is amazing, it’s warm in the sun. this weekend James and I spent time sitting in the backyard after skiing. he worked on the bronco, I handed tools and got afternoon drunk. the next day we took a drive around the crazies. it was due time to scout out those mountains, can’t wait to spend more time there this summer and spring!

suddenly I have money coming in. suddenly all the work is paying off and I am making more money than I have in a while. suddenly the wallet strings don’t have to be so tight. suddenly, again, I can buy the expensive steak at the store. the nice bottle of wine, skip the 5 dollar bottle of wine. I think moving to Montana brings on the obvious and inevitable financial struggle for a little while. everything has a cost and that seemed to be mine, but I am back and can finally pay down my student loans rather than just keeping up with it. also, I have finally decided to apply for citizenship this summer. wonder how long it takes.. it would be wild if by next christmas, going to finland, I could be a US citizen.. what a crazy thought! so many years in the making, I am here to stay.