the place is closed now. and it seems the crowd is burned out on it too, but a few of use made it out of town around 7 am, clicked in and started the skin up to the powder. couple hours later we were gliding down, making soft turns the whole way down. Moose followed Ben over some cliffs on Out of Sight and dropped it, no problem. fearless super dog.

I love the fact that I don’t have to get to work any any real schedule. I love the fact that I can take time in the morning to clean up my place or run errands. I love the fact that I can walk or bike to work when I want. and I have options. I love that I live in a small town. I love that there are vast sunny skies and mountains around. I love that there’s no hurry. I love the fact that I can go skiing in the morning for a few hours and work in the afternoon. I love the little place I live in. I love the fact that my dog is little, mellow and well behaved so he fits well in that little place of mine. if fact, all three of us fit well in there. I love the fact that I can bring moose to work. I also love the fact that I work right above the brewery. I love the fact that I can drive to amazing hot springs any day I want. I love the fact that I have backyard and a fire pit. I love the fact that I am making money doing the simple things I do. and I must say, I love the fact that I have a career. I love the simplicity and the abundance of it all. I love the fact that James and I can just live here. just live. nothing is ever complicated. in some different way. you don’t really begin to understand how montana culture is different until you’ve lived here for a bit. the difference may seem obvious, but it still never is what you think it is. life is just different. slower.

who would have thought, a little girl from Finland to find herself here, in paradise.

as it turns out, when it was Sunday night, and I still had hours of editing to do and the day light hours had weaned, I found myself resenting the obligation of work. I really detested it. even though this my freelance work. still.

I began to wonder what an awful individual I had become. I remember the days when I was known as a hard worker. and I still am. if I want. it’s not the work itself, it’s not being able to say when. also the thought that I might have to give up my weekend to do so. whaaaat? what is that about? a concept I suddenly found so foreign it made me realize how little I really work now under pressure. even though I work ll the time. and have dead lines all the time. I realized how massively I have become my own lord when it comes to my hours and making a choice on how and when to spend them. is there a discipline that I am missing that should be there, just for the sake of discipline. should I not be so unruly?

is the fact that I indulge in food, drink and entertainment how ever I please, as often as a I please a bad thing? should I not have so much joy in life? I have no control over disciplining myself, staying under some kind of lament for the things I do and how much I enjoy my life. it’s the fact that I don’t try very hard that is the problem. I don’t try much at all. a couple years ago I was set on this path of ‘fuck everything else, I am going to do everything that makes ME happy.’ why should I not enjoy my life how I please when it’s not hurting anyone else?

so then, is it healthy to live your life to however you want? or should I fast for 10 days before I allow myself another glass .. wait, make that a bottle of wine? should I work more hours in a week to justify my 3-4 days of skiing a week? why?

there are a lot of folks who don’t seem to give my constitution much respect. montana, is by all means vastly more understanding, but for a person who actually has many jobs, it seems to be considered down right outrageous that I can, and I do, dictate my own life and my hours. most of the world seems to always live under the fear of the big brother or a boss who will put their thumb down and MAKE you gt to work at 7:30 am. so why do people listen? why does everyone follow this expectation?

moving out to montana only made matters worse. I remember when I was a teen in Finland, I used to punish myself by not eating for a day or an afternoon. just when I felt like I should practice discipline over my body and thoughts I would and I could. not eating was not based on diet, weight or any factor on appearance, it was merely a direct link for me to exercise power and control over my mind and body. I think this used to make me more powerful in a way. and I also think, had I not done this at some point in my life, I probably would not be the same person I am today. I think I learned a lot about what I am capable of, in every aspect of life. during this time I learned to understand the tremendous power that mind has over our bodies. and what amazing strength you can have over your mind.

these early lessons in teenage years yielded a road, a path, a way, that has guided me throughout my life. in many situations in my life, I have turned to this tool. when I needed to work my ass off to get through college, when I climbed mountains, when I decided to come live in the united states, or montana for that matter. many things in my life that I have only accomplished through perseverance and discipline.

while I think I take my ability to discipline myself (or the ability that I used to have) for granted compared to a lot of other folks I often wonder if I should exercise a practice, a religion, or other rules and regulations over my being? do I need more discipline in my life, do I need more rules? do I need a church? do I need a god?

I think that there are a lot of people who need rules just to keep it together in life. but I’m not so sure I do. I have a code of sorts that I live by. but my principles are different. I don;t need a schedule. I don’t need time management tools. I have my own system. I want it to be my own system, not yet another tool that’s being shoved down my throat. I am mature enough to know what I need to do and when I need to do it. I constantly hear about planning, scheduling and living a disciplined life. why? why do I need to? just because some of you struggle with yours?

who says I need a 9-5 job? who says I must work 40 hours a week and if I don’t, there’s clearly more hours to exploit. there’s always this lingering notion in america that you should not self indulge. you should not enjoy your life to the fullest. how dare you!

montana has taught me that there is a different way of life. something I knew could exist. something I was already living, but I needed to find a place where it was ok to live, work and play in the perfect triangle.

friday morning brought a foot of fresh. Ben and I hit up the ridge and skied a white out into untouched alpine with the crowd. work for the afternoon. friday night came brew fest, we walked there from my house. holding hands. hung with rainer and chad and lots of other folks.

saturday I hit up slushman’s and the boundary chute. skied out. went to the mall. bought new jeans, shirt and skirt and a bed for moose.

sunday morning 5 of us loaded into the bronco and hit up moonlight. soft tree runs! Jurate is leaving. gone for the summer. we got home and since it was still so light out (and dry), I tied up moose to my waist and we took our first bike ride together. he is such a good and smart dog.

monday morning I woke up to James cooking breakfast. I got out of bed in no hurry, got my cup of coffee and rode to work with moose. I’m sitting in my office with a view of the bridgers outside my window. sunshine all around. blue skies and a wonderful life. the best I have ever known.

when Kenny came to visit here for a few days over last weekend, I was somewhat brought back to thinking and remembering how I had felt when I left Portland and how much I know that I was running then. million miles an hour. I was chased and I know that everything in my life at that time was based on that simple fact alone.

back then, no one stood a chance. I would not even slow down to give myself a chance. I was horrified to stop moving and that fear lasted for a long time. while I will always be bitter for Jason’s relentless hate though the beak up and prior, I also have begun to really understand how many things in my life are a result of those things. I think ultimately I was always going to have a good life and I am just one of those people who always has options and get’s a lot out of life, but I really think that majority of the decisions I have made to get me to where I am now, were shaped by the need to run. the need to forget and change everything. put as much space and distance between me and those memories.

when I think back on our relationship now, while he was quite the charmer and we had a lot of fun, the strongest memories I have from that time, are those of frustration and trying, trying to somehow get past his anger. the ending of that relationship was damaging and horrifying enough that those are the only memories I ever really recall. the person whom I spent time with laughing, exploring and loving life with, was someone entirely different, in some faint distant memory, more like a dream I once had.