my life is delicious. my life is wondrous. my life is heaven on earth and a beautiful thing! I am spoiled by the things I get to do just outside my door. I live in an amazing place.

now, don’t you forget it!

I’ve got 8% battery power left. that means 11 minutes to tell you how I feel.

since I have lived in montana, I have not had a high pressure job that kept me glued to the computer or kept me very busy. it has been about a year and a half since I felt this kind of pressure in my life. but I feel like I can’t really call it pressure, I should call it ‘productivity’. I should call it ‘making a living’. the way the rest of the world does it. and even then, a milder version of it.

after working a long busy day, once again I find myself in a different pace. like the one I used to know. I have slowed down my life to such a bleak meandering pace that kicking it back up to speed is a reality check of sorts. suddenly it has dawned on me what I am really like. I forgot this part of me. I thought I could wash it away.

it hit me today when I called James to say hi after my work day and the amount of time he took to reply to my sentences seemed painfully slow to me. I forgot where I came from. I forgot how driven I can be. I forgot how full of fire I can be.  suddenly I see, plain as day, that the one I love may not be there to stay?

sometimes when I snuggle up to James when we are watching a movie, taking a shower or when we are just standing in the kitchen, I think how wonderful it is to have such a thing in my life. intimacy of another human. I can’t think of many things sweeter than being able to bury my face into his arms, feels his warmth and exhale. I often try to imagine how lonely I felt for the time living in Bozeman when I had no one to hug, to hold or to care for.

sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave him. to be alone again. and I know how terribly I would miss being able to touch him or hold his hand anytime I want. I think of all those who are single for years and don’t get to feel loved in that way. and I often think of myself, being single. sometimes the loneliness and desire just to be touched and held was overwhelming. and sad. it makes me understand how much all of us, as human beings, live to be close to one another. we all need human touch and we all need to feel like we belong. we all need a community, friends, a family and loved ones.

the stuff of life.

I sometimes think I am blessed to be a person who finds love in many places. and to be a person who is loved, in general, by many. love comes easier for me than it comes to many people I know. and I would wish this kind of bliss of being close to a human, being intimate, to anyone and everyone.

to have loved and to be loved so, is truly a wondrous thing!

I don’t write as often as I would like. frankly I have been very busy lately, and not with just having fun, actually just working and trying to squeeze in a ski when ever I can. not to worry, I still ski a minimum of 3 days a week.

I got tired of being poor. I got tired of worrying about wither I was going to have a job in a few months in montana, so I took up another one and created myself some level of job security. so I feel like I can relax again. and frankly, I like being busy, it’s actually what makes me move and get out and do stuff. if I have all day to kill, I might make it to the mountain by 11. if I’m busy, I will make it to the mountain for first chair and I will ski any minute I have free.

I can’t express enough how blissfully happy I am about having good jobs, having a career of sorts, and being in charge of my own hours. yeah, I have someone to report to and someone to make a schedule with, but I make that schedule. not my bosses. I feel blessed to have the flexibility to schedule myself a day off when I need one.

the blessed life I lead. things such as vacation time and scheduled hours, or calling in sick are just strange ideas for me. I know that’s how the rest of the world works, but I have taken my life somewhere where I can tailor it to suit my needs. it would have been cool if I could have done that in portland, maybe I would have not been so anxious to leave.

I must admit, portland still feels like home. well, it’s not portland that does, it’s the entire pacific northwest that I continue missing so relentlessly. I miss the volcanoes, I miss Bend, I miss the San Juan islands, I miss mt Baker, I miss the obsidian fields, I miss skiing off the summit of middle sister in the spring, I miss a certain porch swing in washougal, I miss the garden behind my old house, I miss the swingsets in the park,  just outside my door, I miss the dustiness of smith rocks, I miss the clarity of Waldo Lake, I miss the falls of the Columbia Gorge, I miss the muddy trail runs up to Angel’s rest, I miss the rain, I miss the bike rides through the water front, I miss last Thrusdays!! I miss meeting my friends for beers, I miss standing in line for sunday breakfast and mimosas, I miss the Hedgehouse, I miss the streets of SE portland, I miss the trees, I miss the forests, I miss Timothy Lake, I miss Deschutes river in the summer! I miss Indian Heaven, I miss McNeil point, I miss mt shasta, I miss Jefferson Park, I miss mt adams!  I miss the ability to go and do my own thing in the mountains without having to be so scared of avalanches or animals that might eat me.

oh well. despite all that, life is pretty sweet and beautiful here! just kinda lonely.