James and I visited Tennessee.

I have patience. in fact, I have amused curiosity.

we spent a weekend in Gatlinburg, mesmerized by the theme town on steroids. hung out with his whole family at a cabin in the smoky mountains.

went to an upside house, got scared (make that horrified) on a rope course. poked and played. irish car bombs. drove down to see a hillbilly friend with their 5 kids and 8 cars parked along the property. there may have been more. nice people. visited Chattanooga, saw sea dragons. drove to Atlanta, hung out w/ mom, saw southern architecture, and the cool old house called The Wren’s Nest.

drove back up to knoxville, drank margaritas with the 90 some year old grandma. onward to Kentucky ice storm. hillbillies, horses, kentucky straight bourbon, moonshiners.

and then. Nashville. we got a king size corner room in the heart of town, with a view of downtown and Printer’s Allie Boogie Bar. wow. live music everywhere. boot shops in between.

the great thing about James and I together seems to be, is that we don’t get too bored easily. I have so much fun traveling with him and like two kids, we run around and poke at what comes along. with curiosity, we read every plaq, try, test and taste everything. child’s play.

by the way, the pace is slow(er) in the south, but Montana definitely has it beat!

kicking and screaming he packed his things, moved them across town. went and stared at his new ceiling, bored without me.

freedom. liberty. exhale.

my love is infinite, still melting at a touch. if we ever won the lottery, we would simply crawl up somewhere together and spend a lifetime in contentment. as much as we love each other, I needed him to leave. just for the sake of my work and an income. if this keeps up, I’ll never get any work done. it has gone on long enough and I gently asked him to actually go live in that place of his that he has rented. blue eyes and a pout.I am addicted and I have no will power as long as he’s in the room.

the effects are immediate. freedom. liberty to walk down the street if I felt like it. freedom to do what ever the hell I want, when ever the hell I want. this is how I want my relationship to be. I want to love and be free.

they all resemble one another in some ways. I always wonder why that is. the older I get, obvious patterns emerge. when I came out of a store in Tennessee, knowing someone significant was in the car waiting for me, for a split second I pictured it might be Zeb. huh?!? there have been moments when he has reminded me of Mike. the way I assess my relationships has changed. I no longer force a decision. I don’t seek for outcomes that have not arrived yet. everything in due time.

another archival project:

What Love Is

When you look up love in the English Dictionary, this is what you’ll find:

Main Entry: ¹love
Pronunciation: 'l&v
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lEof dear, Latin lubEre, libEre to please
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love <give her my love>
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love> b (1) : a beloved person : darling — often used as a term of endearment (2) British — used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person’s adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : love affair
7 : the sexual embrace : copulation
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 : capitalized, Christian Science : god

The word love can mean many different things to each of us. The usage of it in English language and culture is quite liberal compared to some other languages. It can be applied to almost anything that someone adores or likes. Love can be tossed around freely at end of phone conversations or exclaiming how much we just love that song or the new pants someone just bought. It can be shared with friends lightly, while the same word can be used to express intimate emotions with a lover. The word can be used lightly by one and taken seriously by another. People in my home country, Finland, regard love differently.  The Finns approach love with reservation as a result of their culture and the language they live by.

My mother still lives in Finland and I cannot remember the last time I told her that I love her. I think about how much I love her, and I’m sure she does as well. Once in a while she tells me she misses me and I tell her the same. Love itself is brought up on a rare occasion. The word for love in Finnish is rakkaus, which is not a very smooth or easy word to pronounce. It is a word that only comes out every once in a while and even then after thought and consideration. My people are not known for outspokenness about their caring for one another. Most of this type of communication generally takes place through actions rather than words. Some individuals may even become uncomfortable or distressed when you tell them you love them. Sometimes it seems they are not prepared to hear the weight of these words or hear them rarely, so they do not know how to handle them. Particularly the men in Finland have been known to be stubborn and stern. They are hardworking and rugged men who sometimes find expressing emotions an unmanly thing to do. All the male figures in my life have been reserved heads of the households who did not spend much time telling their families verbally that they loved them. This was always shown thought traditional waves of care taking and providing. They also often operate from the standpoint that if they heard it once, the statement remains true until otherwise notified. The word Rakkaus to a degree can almost be considered a life long agreement.

The word love has a different story. On its own it is a friendly sounding word that slides out of your mouth and phonically connects with the good feeling that is generally associated with the word. The word is easier to say. It is smooth and pleasant to use. I believe the ease of the word contributes to the ease of the expression of love, delight and admiration that Americans freely distribute onto other people, events and objects.

I believe there is a clear connection in both cultures between the word that represents love to the way people use the word and how people act emotionally. I believe the word binds the culture into behavioral patterns, just like the culture controls the phonic elements of their language. As described by the English Dictionary, the roots of the word love come to us from Latin. LubEre or LibEre mean to please. The word has traveled trough Europe and it is hard to pinpoint the exact origin, but the modern word love is a combination of the Old High German word luba, love, and the Old English lEof, dear and lufu, love. Finnish and English have different language roots. Finnish if related to the Finno-Ugric language family, which has slight relation to Slavic languages. This is a clear heritage difference to English; which is rooted from Germanic languages.  It is clear how the origin of the languages that we grow up with and live with can shape our outlook on life. The languages dictate who we are as people and cultures.

I moved to the United States when I was eighteen, so I have been raised in these two different cultures. I spent my childhood and teens in Finland where the heritage of my people was permanently engrained in me. Then growing into adulthood in America I now view myself as a mixture of the two cultures. I realize I have created a perfect combination of the two that works for me. I have weighed changes and on some matters decided to keep what I’d learned in the past, while other times to reject and learn something new. Love is a combination of the two. I have always enjoyed the ease of expressing oneself in this culture. It seems that generally you are freer to do so, and at times the self expression is welcomed and encouraged.  However, I do not tend to label things love very quickly. To me there are many different levels of like, love, attachment, adoration and admiration. Love takes time.

Nonetheless, I am liberated by love in America. The fact that I get to use this word in my daily vocabulary is a wonderful experience. Love comes easy and I am not intimidated by the connotation of the word in this culture. I am free to share the love, spread it around and love to my hearts content. Love does not cost a thing, so we should get out there and live to love.