so. I was sitting at home. scrubbed the floors, cleaned the garage, melted the freezer, organized my closet. and despite having this off-kilter feeling all day over humanity, it suddenly dawned on me how happy I was to spend an evening by myself at home. I thought how far I have come from being scared to be alone or being still for a moment. and how, now at times, I truly bless these moments. when I leaned over the kitchen sink, washing a pot, I suddenly realized that I was going to have a fun night tonight.

I turned on music, opened a bottle of wine and got on with the project that is making lasagna. by the time I had made it to the white sauce, some sappy song took it’s turn on the ipod, as I listened to it’s corny lyrics of some heartbreak or other, it hit me that I was living now without it. and realized how long I had actually lived with it. it’s insane to think how long it took me to get over my past. and I still think about it. often.

and I still sometimes live in disbelief that I have actually finally recovered. and it’s crazy how much it changed me. I know I say that all the time, but when I look back, I am thankful of how dramatically my life changed. there’s no other place I’d rather be now, and I know that with out it I probably would have never achieved my dreams. would have never even really figured out what those were …and these are it.

tonight I stood in my kitchen and scoffed out loud over the realization that I don’t hurt anymore. and it’s almost odd to live without now. but it’s awesome that I’m finally free and I finally love myself and I love this life.

I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT WHERE I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET TO!

I believe in the good spirit of people and I would like to believe that people do not like to harm one another. when I find otherwise I am always saddened and disappointed. and after what I had to live through, helplessly watching myself be treated like shit, not being able to do anything about it but stand by and watch. take it in stride and walk away, with all my bitter hurt and words left unsaid. taking it all with me and making it my crucifix for two years to come. the aftermath.

when I experienced this I did inventory of all my friends and chose to leave a few out of my life because I could not agree how they treated others around them. I promised that I would no longer make excuses for others and their bad behavior.

suddenly I have a friend justifying her actions that I cannot agree with. I have big questions about her integrity. there seems to be a mentality in this country “it’s not my business”. but I believe it is your friends’ job to tell you when you are behaving poorly and your actions are compromising relationships in a very small community. it hurts me to watch it happen to someone and I think I am overly sensitive to it.

in my thirty some years of living I have learned that if someone is capable of treating another person this way, it is also a fact that nothing stops them turning around at some point and doing the same to you. remind me to keep my exes away from her. it kinda makes me lose faith all over again in the goodness of people and sisterhood.

I feel like I cannot be friends with her right now because of what she has done and how defensive she is about it. all the while bad mouthing those who are true friends around her.

much like the vermin seeking for a home indoors, sensing the approaching cold, I begin to change. my patterns change, I can smell it in the air. I can smell the fall. the leaves about to turn and the tips of the mountains painted white in the morning. it makes me excited. I want to curl up at home, make a cup of hot chocolate, cook pork loin. sit and wait. watch things turn outside from the comfort of a fire. my tomatoes hang on and I am waiting for one to turn red, counting days. theirs and mine.

I realign myself for the approaching winter. anxiety building, suddenly seeing this town as a different place. my last winter here I fell in love with this town, the amazing whiteness and the cold. the rainy fall nights and sunny afternoons in the biting cold. the yellow hills and snowy mountains. warm cup of coffee on the way to the mountain, standing on the ridge an hour later. driving to the boiling river after a rad day of skiing.

while summer has been fun, it has seemed short. I enjoyed it quite a bit, but I am ready for winter. I am also ready for fall. hopefully this year it will happen with bright colors. the first time in my life that I enjoyed a fall, was in Bozeman.

even now, when I write it out, saying where I live, I smile at the fact that I live in my own paradise. I em excited about next season to come and I am excited about living here and having friends. I am excited about getting to live with my boyfriend in the same town. I am excited to continue with my skiing and exploring the bridgers. my life in montana has just barely gotten started, I look forward to building my life here.

I’ve known for years what a privileged life I lead. how much I get simply with the way I look. I am a blond, white, educated, young female living in the United States. the world is my oyster. or an ashtray?

while driving to work this morning with the sunroof open, windows down, drinking my morning cup of coffee in my shiny new car with my blond hair blowing in the wind, I felt a little ridigilous about how easy, joyful and abundant my life is. despite my apparent struggles at times, I remind myself frequently that my life is full of joy. and I should be grateful and sometimes ashamed of what I get, while many, even those living aside me, don’t.

tomorrow always brings a new day. time has passed from yesterday. and last weeks worries changed. we live on, time changes us and helps us forget what made us hurt, how we were treated and helps us grow and carry on without our wounds and anything left now, are nothing but faint scars that I notice some times.

sometimes I am still angry, but I never forget to be grateful that I did this to my life. I chose to leave him behind and come here to recover. like I took myself to rehab. time and distance. time and distance. time and distance. it’s been almost a year since I left Oregon and I don’t hurt anymore. I used to think of him everyday for a long time. I don’t anymore. I finally laid that cross down.

james told me this morning that he thought that if he asked me to marry him, that I might actually say yes. was a little shocked to hear him say that. what would I say if he asked? I guess I hadn’t wondered.

I let the truck go. finally. I knew she was about on her last legs and miraculously in it’s current state ran like a champ and I knew right now would be my window to sell it. quick. I still wish I could’ve kept her and just ran her to the ground. but since money nor space are luxuries I possess, the outcome was inevitable. I had a lot of memories with that truck and letting it go turned out to be easier than I thought and frankly, I was excited when I walked away from it with a wad of cash in my pocket. yes, I was ready to let it go. finally!

then what ensued was a frenzy of wheeling and dealing, being lied to and scammed. running around like crazy, making offers, test driving cars, running reports on them and having them inspected. buying a car is a lot of work. and what’s crazy about it is that all the cars I drove and checked out, we’re getting other offers while I was trying to shop for one. and when I turned an offer down, that car was already sold in a matter of hours. nuts!

but I found one that I think was the best of the litter. and I hope that she won’t give me too much trouble, despite her high mileage. I was pretty excited about selling my truck and buying the 4runner, but still when I finally made it home and got to relax for a minute, I lost it. I was at the end of my rope, hungry with a raging headache, it suddenly all spilled over. more than anything, what was so upsetting, was the process of having to protect myself from being scammed and lied to. it made me feel weak and alone. and scared if I was making the right decision on my car purchase.

that’s when James showed up and got to endure me lose it and be a crazy person. it doesn’t happen very often and to his credit, while dealing with all his own problems he at least allowed me to have lost my marbles and endured my craziness. I have infinite love for a man who’ll endure this from me and will actually stand by me while I am going through a hard time. especially when his own life is suddenly falling apart. it’s really nice to find this support from someone when I feel like I have been there for a lot of people in my life. it’s nice to receive in return the kind of faith and loyalty I have given to many, but only received from a few. and bless the hearts of those who have been there for me when I really needed someone!

sometimes I wonder how it would be with the two of us on the long run. I have also wondered what kind of a household we would build. something tells me it would be a family of infinite love to all things around. they say pisceans together are capable of unconditional and undying love. and something tells me this might be very true.

sometimes I just need to turn off the computer and be free for a bit. I started my ten day stretch with a climb in the gallatin canyon, climbing the skyline buttress and bleeding all over the ‘birthing hole’. my ass was too big and I kinda got stuck.

I drove down to island park, swam in the lake, drank a pint in the sun by the river and tired my sore bones in James’ bed for the night. I had an amazing time hanging out by myself. I am really good at spending time by myself and I tend to be able to have a blast every time I do. while I wished he could have been there too, I still had a blast in island park by myself.

for the next week, I spent time in the tetons. I climbed the grand again. and despite all my fears, for the first time the climb went smoothly and was well within my ability levels technically and physically. I felt strong the entire time. except for the painful and grueling hike out afterward that almost led me to weeping on the trail, only a couple miles out from the trail head. the 4.7 earthquake in the area during my hike passed me by unnoticed. when I felt dizzy and saw rocks sliding down the hill, I just pawned it off on my own delirium.

later I paddled myself out to Leigh lake, laid on the beach, swam, read a book and waited for James. when he finally arrived the sun went down, the storm rolled in and it turned into a sketchy paddle in the dark dodging 4 foot waves and getting swallowed by water. exciting. it’s always something with me.

the weekend was spent with James in Jackson. going to galleries, drinking mojitoes, poking at stuff in souvenir stores, being a tourist. sunday morning I managed to talk James into dropping me off at the top of teton pass. I clicked in and hung on for the amazing single track cherry ride all the way back down to willson. rad!