James has been the first in a long time that I have allowed in, loved and allowed him to love me. and though events past don’t hurt me anymore and I am no longer carrying my cross. I feel like James has released me from all my heaviness and weight over all the things I carried with me for a long time. and all the apprehensions I had of letting myself be loved again.

but like in life. as always. nothing is ever perfect and James and I are two different people. I believe in the long run we want different things and we want to live our lives differently. I don’t know anymore what the protocol is for a relationship. what are our expectations and how far should we reach to get the things we want. unlike most things in my life, as I have said before, relationships are one I cannot control. is it really so that I have become the ultimate control freak, so set in my ways that I have a hard time seeing a life past my expectations and imagine different things?

I don’t have anything set in stone, but there are a lot of things of who I am and what I am willing to let go, or look beyond with proper care. how quickly do I sign off a love based on superficial factors? how important are a lot of these things?

relationships are exhausting, yet for some greater underlying cause, we still engage ourselves in them. I can’t escape the nagging feeling of inherently knowing, but not wanting to admit it to myself that even this relationship is most likely doomed and for all it’s worth; I can already see end in sight, but that end is probably there when I choose it to be. and I know that it’s probably up to me when it is.

can a pisces really fall out of love as quickly as she can fall in it?