I woke up this morning with a lump in my throat and I think I may have been quietly whining. I had a nightmare. a very vivid nightmare. in my dream I had driven to island park to see James on his one day off. it was evening and he left me at someone’s house without much word as to where he was going and not replying to my inquiries as to where he’d gone. though he was running around wheeling and dealing weed. when he finally reappeared at 1:30 am and I whined about him ditching me, he scoffed at me and made a snide comment “people leave all the time, suck it up.” he had a look of disgust in his eyes, very much the same look Jason used to give when I asked something of him. yes, that very same one that makes the ground fall away from underneath you and crushes you right there in front of him.

in my dream I knew I had to leave him, right there and then, so I got up, went over to James’ house and started packing my things. he appeared with his friends in tow, to hang out with them at his house, with no regard to the fact that I was upset and crying over his cruelty and insensitivity. or the fact that I was actually going to walk away that instant. that’s when I woke up.

i think it’s crazy that I had this dream. and of all my fears past that I seem to have buried a while ago reared their ugly head and this morning I was dully reminded of the abuse I used to deal with. I don’t thin even for a second that James would ever treat me that way. I know everyone is capable of being mean, but Jason seemed to take being evil as a life approach.

I have blissfully forgotten and erased from my memory how much I used to hurt and how much someone can really break you. I believe that James really knows how to treat people right and is he’s ever mean to me, he would know what he was doing. I don’t know why my mind decided to create this story. James is the first one since Jason who’s been in a position where I am completely vulnerable to him. I haven’t been able to have faith in a long time that there could be someone whom I loved would be there for me when I really needed him to be. that when I needed someone to lean on, that he might actually be there for me. it’s interesting to see that from my devastation of my past relationship, I fall for the exact opposite, someone who I feel like I already know deep down would be there. with out a doubt.

since I am rolling around town solo and seemingly single, I get boys tagging along all the time. I know that I like the attention and to my fault I am a bit of a flirt. while I am out going, smily and chatty, I realize it’s a hop and a skip away from being just flat out flirtatious. I get offers for sex all the time. there’s an instinctive urge to act upon those desires without giving much thought to what I would be ruining if I did sleep with someone.

the truth is, and I’ve had a decent opportunity to reflect on this over the past week because of what happened thursday night, being seriously chased by a cute boy. if James was in town, I would have no desire to even think of sleeping with someone else. it’s the fact that he’s gone, and will be gone for a long time, that I have these questions and thoughts. it’s actually almost out of spite that he’s gone, that I play with the idea.

giving a hard look at what it is I would be giving up, or trading in, for a quick lay in the end doesn’t seem to be worth it. so I decided on sunday that without a doubt, I should have enough strength, loyalty and respect for myself and James to behave over the next two months while he’s gone. if I can’t, I would be seriously disappointed with myself. it’s more a matter of just deciding, rather than reacting. I realize that it’s pathetic to think that I just “can’t help myself” because he’s gone. and it’s a sad notion that I even have to tell myself that.. but there it is.

I was talking to James the other night and something made me confess that there’s not a single person in my past that I would still like to date. I don’t have any that “got away.” well, except for one, but I think that’s only because he never wanted to date me (maybe if I hadn’t lived 550 miles away at the time) and ultimately I’ve always known he would treat me poorly. but what does it say about me that I am the person who has pretty much broken it off with every single person in my life and without any desire to look back. even though Jason essentially was the cause of our break up, I’m still the one that left him, not the other way around.

admitting to that fact, or just saying it out loud, kinda jolted me into wondering if I was asking too much from everyone I ever dated. I leave every relationship with a notion that this person is not good enough, like I was settling. do I actually need a reality check on this. will anyone ever really fit the bill and be perfect straight out of the box? have I always dated people who were below the mark for me, or am I asking too much?

life is simple. life is quiet. sometimes I am bordering boredom due to the fact that I am not always trying to catch up with time like I used to. it’s lovely. I feel like I moved to montana and retired. I will ride this train as long as I can, knowing that it won’t last forever. or can it? should it? do I want it to or will I need more soon?

yesterday I went on a mountain bike ride up in the bangtails solo. I wrecked hard on a switch back. to the point that when I was laying there feeling my body, my first thought was ‘well, nothing seems to be broken, thank god.’ for the next fifteen minutes I was catching my breath, adrenalin ringing in my ears, thoughts racing through my mind of anything from doctor’s bills to actually being all the way out there alone, hurt. when I finally managed to pick myself up I still couldn’t get on my bike soon and was limping, pacing, talking to myself. it’s ok, everything’s ok, I’m ok, I just need a minute.

I think it takes a certain character to be able to calm yourself down and take care of yourself no matter what happens. the mountains have taught me an infinite amount of strength that could not be attained anywhere else. a certain kind of calm and understanding of your risks and your exit plan when things go wrong. the moutains have also taught me that I am a person who has the ability to remain calm during crisis. and the mountains have allowed me to practice that serenity of mind. not to say that I don’t scare the fuck out of myself frequently, but the mountains have forced me to suck it up and exercise that resilience.

dear diary.

I drove down to Missoula for the weekend. I had an amazing ass kicking mountain bike ride in the heat with Brittles and John. it was awesome to do my sports to the degree I like doing them. the next day we backpacked into the bitterroots, fought off mosquitoes, carried pepper spray and swam in a pristine mountain lake. it was a beautiful weekend!

sunday night I drove off into the woods to have a look at a rusting out old scout that someone is asking way too much money for. this is what lead me to find myself on a 10 mph single lane dirt road en route to garnet ghost town. one wrong turn and, BAM!, you’re in the heart of the damn ghost town. it’s hard to see little signs in the dark. in my book garnet has always been the freakiest ghost town I’ve ever seen. complete with the fact that it’s hard to get to, hard to get out of, and it wasn’t until recently that the last year round resident finally moved away. garnet was a considerably large town that sprung up in the middle of freaking nowhere, and till this day driving out of it, it’s hard to imagine (or believe) that this town ever came to be. at one point the town had sprung up four stores and four hotels, among many other establishments.

there’s nothing like being creeped out late sunday night just trying to find your way over the hill, out the other end. and hope that in the mean time, you don’t get a flat tire, or break down out on that rutted out awful boulder road. creepy. stay in your car. and what’s creepier, is that you can rent a cabin and stay in this town for the night. would you?

not exactly sure if I believe my own feelings. I have the ability to be completely blinded and not see clearly through it and that’s why I am very skeptical that the following declaration is really true and that I might just be fooling myself and this too shall pass. only time will tell. so in the mean time, all I can do is to sit still, let it happen and let this play it’s course.

I waited a long time to let anyone in or get involved with anyone after my last break up. I knew I needed it, and equally, unconsciously myself did not allow me to be attracted to someone until I was truly ready. and when I was, I ran into James. and when I did, all of this has felt easy. like I haven’t tried at all to date someone, like no effort was made at all. it just happened. naturally.

while I am not counting out my assets, I would have to admit that our connection was electric from day one, but I have tried to play this off as a passing thing, not taking him or this relationship seriously at all. now I find that it may have evolved into something else. the 16th of this month makes it our three months (and might I add how ridiculous I feel about the fact that I have even made note of the fact that it’s been exactly three months since we met or that I even know the date when we met), but the other day I got to thinking and I realized how much it feels like I have known him for a very long time. like I’ve said before, felt that way after a mere first week of knowing each other.

I have been thinking about all this and granted I am of the firm belief that you barely even begin to know someone after five years, I can’t help but to feel like I see him for who he is and I feel like I can see through him. much like I am an open book for him. and a lot of the time, he seems to know where I am and knows the words I needed to hear.

I feel ridiculous for saying this, but I feel like I see myself with him. I have heard of these people being with someone for years, never marrying to them and then meeting someone for three months and getting hitched. not that I would do anything as absurd, but I feel like for the first time, I actually kinda get it.

I haven’t been with someone that made me feel safe, like I could trust him. blindly. like I know him deep down enough that I know what he is capable of doing as a person and therefore I am not afraid. this allows me to enjoy the relationship, feel free to be me, love him and let him love me. I feel like he likes me just how I am, because of who I am. and for the first time in my life, I feel like I am in a balanced, healthy relationship that won’t leave me broken or stranded. and it’s not a roller coaster ride, like some have been.

it’s like a breath of fresh air. something so different and unusual. I want him to be my man. yes, I said it… *gasp* (and no-one chastise me for saying this or hold me to it, so please allow me to leave this relationship too if that’s what it comes to).

I put on my little lacy dress with purple flowers on it. put on my high heels, get on my bike and ride a few blocks down to my favorite watering hole. my boyfriend in tow. my skirt if too short, I think he’s staring at my ass while trying to convince me I am not flashing anyone. I don’t quite believe him, but I don’t care either.

later when the sun heads over the hills, we make our way to the top of peets hill. lay in the grass, amongst the wildflowers, let the sun go down and talk about a life together. talk about buying a project car. he says he’ll help. the sun rays in his red hair, blue eyes clear as water. I am in love with life, this place, this moment, this sunny afternoon, this cloudless sunset.

that night I try to fight off sleep, trying to hold onto him. again, in the morning he will be gone, but we’ll be together again soon and I am happy.

dear diary,

I had a lot of fun last week. summer is upon us and I am beginning to feel more and more at peace with this damn town. I have had some beef with bozeman over the year I’ve lived here, and I am finally beginning to feel like I have a solid group of friends and I am meeting more people constantly. I am also beginning to feel like I am getting my activities aligned and starting to feel like again I have so many things going on that life is beginning to feel… well, normal. and like it should: packed full of friends, beautiful places, activities and love for this life.

I had a party at my house saturday for Lindsey’s 30th. it was a blast and a ton of people came out of the wood work and thrashed my house. it was amazing, it’s been ages since I would have thrown a party of such epic proportions, especially in my tiny little place. I am surprices I didn’t get a noice complaint and based on the marshmallow and diaper shrapnel, I can only gather that everyone had a good time and it was a success.

Sunday was spent in the mids of breakfast with friends and a float down the river with people I love in the amazing beautiful Madison valley, basking in the sunshine. swimming and drinking beer.

thank you James for coming down for the weekend, enduring my friends, enjoying the summer with me, walking around my yard barefoot with me, cleaning up after my friends. and thank you for staying an extra day. I love you and love spending time with you. sometimes when I look at you, it takes me by surprise how much you love me, and how much you want and to try to keep me. I am tickled by the sincerity of your affection. I love that those kisses are all for me and those blue eyes will continue to look at me in my bed. yes, it’s all about me. ha!

we used to roll around as a trio. we were young, punk and untouchable. we were cool in a way that we didn’t fit in, like we came from a big city, or that’s where we were headed. like we knew things that others didn’t. like we lived in a world different from theirs. just passing through and everyone knew it. we were never bullies, thou if you crossed our path and got in our way, you certainly got bullied. there were a lot of kids around Bozeman who wanted to be our friends bad enough they would endure what ever we had to dish out. and then, it was a lot. our imagination and sky was the limit.

even I found myself handcuffed to a stop sign once.

when all three of us found ourselves in this town on a sunny Friday afternoon, we reminisced on the good old days, all the outfits we wore and all the drugs we did and embraced the love all three of us once shared. when we found ourselves standing there together, we remembered the connection that brought us together in the first place. each of us a little different now, but instantly when we got together again, it was like no time had passed. but it had been 13 years. zeb has grey hair, guthrie is balding, my hair is a normal color.

some of those kids we bullied are still around here today and when we rolled through town, all dressed in white you could imagine the shock of them seeing the three of us together again. we smile.

this morning I got on my single speed and rode through the rolling hills of Gallating Valley to get to work. having replaced my chainring in the front with a bigger one and after buying a pump I finally feel equipped for such a journey and not worry about being stranded somewhere in between.

all the while, I felt like people thought I am crazy. at my work they do, on the road the seemed to. but when I visited the bike shops around town mentioning what it is I’d like to do on my single speed stallion, they seemed to think it was a splendid idea. montana is for badasses. I like walking into a ski/bike shop and knowing that everyone who works there is a ripper in some sport or another. a fact that I find endearing as well as somewhat annoying at times. I think because everyone here is such a badass, sometimes they forget to stop competing each other.. or just forget that not everyone is competitive about it.

I love Bozeman. I have made a lot more friends lately and surprisingly enough I have made a lot of female friends. last night I went to Music on Main again and for the first time I felt like I was actually a part of something… part of a group of 8 blond chicks in fact. hot ones at that too. it was a sudden and strange occurrence and somehow basking in the light of all these beautiful, strong women was very powerful. I was intrigued by the sudden elated feeling of empowerment and comfort. I was fascinated that this simple fact had such an effect on me even enough to notice.

I posted my truck for sale on craigslist. someone called. I posted it on there with one mere picture of it and asking for way more money than I think anyone would pay for it. and still someone called.

though I have accepted the fact that my truck is due, the time has come to move past the amazing times I spent with her. last night as I went to clean out her cavities, brush her teeth and comb her hair I came to realize how attached I am to her. it didn’t always used to be so.

I find it somewhat comical that our paths collided at some point and I believe we have equally helped each other. I took care of her, while she took care of me. that truck has had a history of being stolen, being in the middle of a few family disputes and it seems she has been fought over on numerous occasions. even I had to protect her for a long time from him, and even today still worry that she might get hurt if I left her out for the night in Portland if he knew where she was.

to me, she became to represent what was taken from me and how I could be saved. she was almost an equal part of my salvation and healing as the mountains were. she is what got me there. and in the end, she got me here too. we spend many hours on the road, sleeping on lake sides, mountains and so many beautiful views and places no one else saw with me. I spent many nights sleeping in the back and almost an equal amount of hours crying over the steering wheel on the highway, or screaming out singing flying down the interstate. going to places. driving away, yet to another place to take my breath away cause nothing else could make me happy. and not just to be happy, but to forget my crushing heart.

we’ve been together for so long. it brings a tear in my eye the thought of having to depart from an old friend. so many things I am used to with her that I don’t want to give up. at all.

while I may appear calm, inside I am kicking and screaming. hanging on with my teeth and someone might have to pry my hands off of her to drive her away from me. I am trying. I am trying so hard to be reasonable about this.

it’s only a car. a chunk of metal …that has amazing personality and I identify myself with her. who would I be in a Subaru outback that looks identical to all the other cars on the road? I want another that I could love and take care of as I have taken care of her.