I was sitting on Ladd’s addition in one of those circles of blooming roses, smelling the wet pavement and the green grass. when the skies were a consistent shade of gray and another sporadic down pour rolled by. I got soaked, sitting in the rain and cried all over again for the infinite beauty of it all.

as much as I love montana and can’t wait to be back, I feel like portland is my home. I think nothing of being here, but I actually love every bit of this city.

I’ve filled my life with millions of expectations for myself and others. I am believing in lessons of letting things go and let them lie where they may. I am returning to Montana in a week. I am a mixture of confused feelings of being ok with my expectations of myself. wondering if I am admitting things to myself or just telling myself these things. what’s the difference? I am the only person who expects these things from myself, therefore I am the only person to change them and no one has the right to be disappointed in who I am and what I choose.

it’s okay that I didn’t climb 8 peaks while I was here. I climbed plenty. I still lived, loved and saw what it was all about. reminded of the right things I needed to see. weighed my life as I’ve made it, now with confidence and comfort, knowing what I want. knowing where I am, who I am, where I stand, and willing to let life happen.

I am staring outside the coffee shop window at the grey sopping mess that is Portland. I feel like I needed to get it out of my system. I am glad I did, otherwise I would always wonder. I am sure of the choices I made and who’s to say I wouldn’t find myself in the PNW again sometime soon (maybe bellingham?). but in the mean time I need to learn how to live again. I feel like I have merely started to again and part of me coming back here was to seal the deal that it was over, and that I am forever. to verify that many things in my life are now over and there’s no sense in longing. I am older, all the more wiser and sometimes I think with this heavy age comes a happiness that is more intense, colors that burn brighter, and a sadness that is very real, thorough and permanent.

I had a dream of him last night. in my dream I spoke to him and was nice to him. I have thought about him since I came back here and now am actually acknowledging how much he changed my life and how sad I am about everything that happened. for a very long time I have been angry, but today I am nothing less of a confused person over the ordeal. it’s sometimes sad how much I still carry with me and how much it still confuses me. I know everyone would say it’s sad, particularly sad how much it effected me. but finally, coming here, while it stabs me, I also had to be able to be in this city and not feel scared or threatened by him.

he loved me but he didn’t know who I am. and all this, finally, for once in my life, makes me shut up, hold still, breethe life in. it’s helped me get to where I have wanted to be: absolutely still.

so. I was sitting at a coffee shop working and scattered leaves by the be good tanyas came on. I don’t know why that song always makes me at ease and reminds me that life is ok. that everything will be ok. it reminds me to relax and let life happen as it comes and enjoy it as it comes.

it also reminds me why I moved to Montana, it reminds me where I belong now. it just reminds me to be happy, content, appreciate life… odd how it works that way. I love living in montana. it does the heart good. thank you for reminding me, I needed a reminder.

I’ve forgotten that sometimes in life people actually have an effect on you. sometimes others have the ability to make you sad. and scared if you let them into your life and let your self feel something for them. nothing has happened, but I have been reminded. it’s the potential of being hurt that scares me.

this is ridiculous.

apparently I have done a pretty thorough job of shielding myself. now I realize it’s almost.. well.. absurd. it’s surprising that I have been single for so long now that I have forgotten what it feels like to place expectation on someone. to be asking something of someone. I have asked before…  how can I now trust someone? I find it absurd that I am the one asking. a month ago I would have never thought to find myself here.

the things I doubt myself for are merely my ability to let someone in my life. to avoid exactly this. to remember what it feels like to hurt and change my mind because of it and decide, that after all, I’d rather be alone. I haven’t felt hurt in a long time and it has been a blessing. I realize now it has been my safe haven. I see now how much I have actually protected myself and how far I’ve gone with putting up walls around me just to protect myself from ever being hurt again. once again I stand amazed by how much changed by what happened. how much my trust on another has been broken. I don’t really have much faith any more. on anyone. other than myself, for myself. can I believe that there’s someone out there who’s promise I can trust? that someone would be different?

with all this comes a compromise. a price you have to accept. I am just not sure I am willing or ready to accept that price or if I want to. in fact, my instinct is to run away. when it all started happening I was blissfully ignorant to the fact that I could actually get hurt. so caught up in the moment that I didn’t really care since I’d completely forgotten what it felt like. it was all supposed to end anyways. in departures and not in broken promises, right??

I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I resent it. I am scared again, but if I just run away, I don’t have to be. I could keep me safe.

I have been thinking.

with happiness comes a quiet. a peace I have been searching for. peace allows me to stay home for a weekend and not be disappointed and angry with myself that I didn’t climb some peak this week.

I have questions in the back of my mind I haven’t quite dared to ask myself yet. I am not sure what they are yet. I realize that with happiness comes a certain ease of life. I’ve come to understand that staying after my fire is exhausting. while I live for the adventures and the outdoors, the fire that keeps me after all of it is fading. I am not saying that now that I am not heart broken that I would somehow stop climbing peaks and lay low. not at all, you all know that is not who I am. not at all.

but what I think I am saying.. is that it’s ok for me to relax sometimes. I want to live in montana where life is simple, joyful, easy and abundant. yes, all those things at the same time.

there’s something about getting done with a days work that kicked my ass to the point where it’s not that I just feel tired, it’s that I can feel my muscles are tired. that most muscles in my body throb and ache because they have been pushed so far.

while I am out, pushing my body to that kind of exertion, the thoughts that go through my mind… just one more hill, you can do this one! just keep going, just one more push, just one more, just one more.. up, up, up.

I can never be with someone or date someone who does not understand how freaking rad it feels to push yourself to that point in the mountains… nothing makes me feel more alive than to be so challenged to kick my own ass to a point where I am not sure I can do it anymore, but somehow just manage the strength and keep doing it. knowing that failure is not an option, at times your life depends on your strength and ability to perform.

you could conclude that my summit plans are those of a person who is chased by something. maybe a year ago the were just that, but now they aren’t. why am I so fired up on doing all this stuff and kicking my own ass? and why am I such a rarity? I have always been a bit alienated by the fact that most can’t keep up with me. most aren’t as into doing the things I do.. in the same degree that I do..

like, one day to the next.

when I was headed to Portland I was slightly worried what I would find. granted I had dreamed of moving to Montana or some place similar for years, but when I left, I felt like I was driven out of town equally as much as I just dreamed to be some place else, knowing that my time in the city was up. but coming back here I was slightly worried I would find that a part of me left for the wrong reasons.

coming back to this city also reminds me of what I left behind. I am relieved to find, it doesn’t even make me flinch. life goes on. there are a few I let go willingly, some grudgingly. and a few, whom I wish I wasn’t letting go, but understand that their moral character no longer has room in my life. life’s too short to share with those who’s lack of integrity in life and relationships remains in question. no thanks. never again. therefore it’s better to walk away and appreciate all those who are in my life, who choose to be and whom I love, just for who they are. who were there when I really needed them and who love me just how I am.

as much as I absolutely love this city and think it is the most amazing city I have ever seen, I realized that tho I miss it, my life in the city is, without a doubt, over. I miss the pacific northwest and the rain like crazy. I miss the fall, summer.. all the seasons for all the different things they have to offer. part of that is due to having lived here for 8 years and feeling like it is my home, and I know I will eventually feel the same way about Montana. I realize I have fallen in love with my life there, it’s hard not to. I look forward to becoming better friends with it. coming back here, I realize how much I appreciate Bozeman. I love the lack of people, the quiet, wide open spaces, I could get lost in Montana. I am staying there.

it’s really good for me to experience this and to have the chance to reflect. to finally know in my heart that I made the right decision. I kinda had to come back here just to make sure and I am relieved what I have found. it’s clear to me now.

regardless… Portland is in full bloom. rain showers, flowers, birds, gentle breezes. people out enjoying the sunshine. out in the parks, riding bikes, walking their dogs, going out to lunch, getting afternoon drunk, going to the farmers market, shopping for organic and healthy foods, smiling and being happy. waving at me. I am smiling on my bike, loving life. it’s amazing to be on my bike again to relive what I love about this city.

it’s good to visit, but I belong in the mountains…