every bit of it is weird. new, unusual, against my current protocol. I can’t believe I made a promise to someone. in my heart, I doubt myself. doubt my ability to pull through and my ability to keep a promise to another being. I don’t know how I got roped into that one and how I managed to let go for long enough to let it happen. I am not worried about him, I am pretty sure he will be there as promised. but what about me? I feel like I didn’t really think it through and I don’t want to end up being the one (once again) disappointing someone’s hopes and letting them down especially since I actually made a promise of some sort.

the whole thing is just strange and funny. to be glued by the hip for a solid week, each knowing the good byes are inevitable. being equally baffled by the fact that, yes, it really has only been a week. then in the eve of departure making promises to one another of some distant effort to come. how will it be next week? how will it be a month from now? I want this. I want to promise. I want all of it, just because it’s him, but can I keep a promise? should I? in general, WHY am I making commitments and promises to another person? it’s an odd thing to do. to make such a promise just after one week, but I guess we thread in the same water and it makes total sense for both of us.

rent-a-boyfriend.

last night I hiked the M again in the thunder and the rain, stood there crying my heart out for all the infinite happiness and sadness all at the same time. bleeding my fucking heart out in the pouring rain for something I haven’t felt in a long time. sopping wet in my muddy chacos, I was washing away with the rain and I felt so alive it hurt.

I wish I could freeze up time and keep this moment. I am head over heels and it fucking hurts. I have an empty feeling I never want to fill and this nervous feeling I don’t want to go away. with all this comes a pain, for the first time in ages, I am willing to take. I don’t care. I would spend another night and deal with tomorrow when it comes. it’s an overwhelming feeling of wanting to spend every waking minute and not wanting to let go. I have so completely forgotten what I am capable of. and that I have an overwhelming capacity to love. and I can’t even begin to describe how good it feels to receive the attention and affection from someone you are dying just to touch you in the first place.

last night I fell asleep to him stroking my back. he was doing so to send me to sleep. he makes me nervous to see him, but when I am with him I feel like I am home.

I am in big trouble.

so.

I am shocked and baffled and don’t know what to do with what I am handed with. I have forgotten what it felt like to be head over heels for someone. I’ve forgotten the nervous butterflies in my stomach and I’ve forgotten the elated feeling of letting go and letting someone love you. waking up in the morning next to him, wanting to spend every waking minute with this person. when they’re in the room, they’re the only one you see. someone who lights up your day just by who they are. it’s weird to be so amazed by one single person! I have forgotten how much you love and admiration you can have for someone when they walk into your life. and then there’s the inevitable arrival of saying good bye and living with hopes and dreams of being together again.

I don’t have words to describe how thrilled I am to be in the company of this person. how much he makes me smile and be so blissfully happy about life it’s almost wrong. the connection is electric, he gives me goose bumps. he makes me laugh and admire his energy. he makes me feel like I have known him for years. and I know it’s mutual, he’s told me so.

is it okay just to give into it and enjoy it while it lasts? I am willing to deal with the aftermath as long as I get one more day, one more hour with him.

for a fleeing minute someone walks into your life. only for a few days …and you know it’s only for a few days. someone that makes you amazed and you find yourself elated by the sheer existence of this person. it’s a bit shocking. and I am willing to take the ride since I already see end in sight.

they say that two pisceans together is like an ocean of emotion, passion and a love so divine it seems like a religious experience. to experience such a downpour of loving rapture, it’s ridiculous. it is making me surrender. we all know that’s big coming from me. and I feel safe about it… I am willing to take the leap knowing that it will end in departure and not in broken promises. I’d rather not ask for anything or expect anything. it’s better that way. and I won’t tell him any of this. I promise.

skiing is what defines me. since I left my heart behind and walked away broken, I have turned to skiing and climbing for solace and refuge. last day of lift access in Montana was yesterday. I woke up this morning, stressed out about what I would do with my life now. what would keep me excited and make me feel like I was thrilled to be alive?

It’s silly. that’s how much skiing means to me and that’s how scared I still am of being still. worried that I might look around me and notice the fact that I am alone.

life is amazing though. I have been spending time with someone lately who has reminded me of how grateful I am of the priviledged life I get to live.

I have no obligations to no one. no family, no kids, a selection of friends… whilst life is hard and empty because of these facts, it is also amazingly free and blissful. I love being able to choose. I have a choice. I always have a choice… is that choice worth it when in return you are essentially alone? will I ever come to a point where I would be willing to make the sacrifice of building my own family? is that even possible the older I get and the longer I get to live so free? it’s a clear path I’ve started down.. and I really am not sure if there’s such thing as being able to give it all up since I’ve gotten on that train.