for a better part of my life I have spent apologizing for who I am. somehow when I didn’t meet someone’s expectations of me as a person I apologized for letting them down. wtf.

I made a promise to myself. I promise to never again let someone touch me wrong and never to stand for verbal abuse. I promise to walk away from anyone who does so. I promise to never again make excuses for someone who behaves this way towards me.

I will never lie to myself again about who someone truly is and who I see them for. I will never again compromise my own well-being and safety for someone else or hide behind my own denial. I promise to understand that anger towards me is a result of someone’s expectations and no-one ever deserves verbal or physical abuse. …and I am not the piece-of-shit they made me out to be. I know who I am.

you’d think that all that would be a given, right? did I seriously need to live to be this old until I finally realize my self worth? is there any truth to the crazy idea that because I have always been strong I have come across people in my life who try to break me? or that maybe they think they can hurt me because I have such a tough shell that I should be able to take it? with my head down in shame, I admit it; I allowed it. that’s my excuse, what’s theirs?

towards the end, he tried to break me. I know he did. I saw it in him. why? he was jealous and angry about who I was and what I could do in my life. I think he was angry because he saw that I had a choice, he didn’t. he could never choose life for himself and he lived through it, for the most part, as it happened to him. that he saw that I could, in fact, change my life when ever I decided, made him incredibly spiteful. what did he expect? I don’t get it. I have spend a long time thinking about his motivations or his thoughts in the process. I have realized I will NEVER understand. I will never have any kind of closure, explanation to the things he did. some time ago, that made it incredibly hard to move on. so why do we always need a reason? an explanation? I would say now, that amazing power and growth comes from accepting the fact that closure will never come. that you simply have to let things be how they are. and. just. walk. away.

sometimes walking away is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. and understanding the fact that you will never have the last word. be okay with it. live with it and let it leave you.

I have noticed that I have been alone long enough that I have reached a certain level of comfort with myself that my self confidence has grown. I have always been confident, but lately that has taken on a different shape. an euphoria of sorts. I have found my best friend in me again. I knew it would come and it’s finally here. I finally made it to the space where I have ached to get to for a couple years. I knew it existed and I knew exactly what I was getting at, I also knew that only time would bring me here. nothing else, but time. I knew for a long time that I needed this. badly. I have needed to be able to completely redefine who I am as a person and that isn’t anything I could have ever found if I was in any kind of relationship with anyone. and certain part of me is somewhat bitter towards all those who almost tried to force it upon me. I said I didn’t want it, and my will was not respected. WHY?!!? but should I blame them? maybe it was my fault I wasn’t clear enough? but the again, I didn’t really know what I needed or wanted at the time.

but now, I feel like I can finally say.. I think I am a pretty cool person. I like myself. I know it’s an idiotic thing to say, but I finally feel it and am very happy with who I am. and very happy always to spend time with myself. I enjoy life looking at it from where I am, from my perspective.

I understand now that for a while my body and mind put on a mental block of sexuality, as well as blocked me from being able to be attracted to someone. I feel like I have crossed that threshold now, and it might be true that I might find myself to be more attracted to other people. maybe? I was pretty devastated by what happened to me. It has taken almost two years to recover, it’s amazing how someone can be broken and what ensues. I stand amazed.

this is silly, really.

I don’t care what the only youtube version on here sounds like, but this song defined my life for the past year (and then some), what I believed in and despite of all else, allowed me to believe in my personal dreams an make them happen. I usually can’t prescribe to one single band but they have moved me most since Mike Patton. lol. my god, this song kinda followed me to where I am. one that helped me stop and fall in love with what I saw and all the places I drove through. I lived a life so fast for the past year.. I wish I had it on tape. scream!

nonetheless. for what ever reason this one particular song I never get tired of and it somehow helped me believe that there was something else out there that I knew I could get to, that no one else believed in. or needed I guess. at least not how badly I needed it. my own ideas of my life and how I wanted to live it. who says you can’t get what you want? it hurts and comes with a price, but you can get it..

I wish I could give more thanks to this. to someone. I wish I could give someone, other than myself, the credit for making it through. I know I found it in me. But I also know so many who stood by, and they all know who they are… I love you. forever.

don’t you go looking so surprised, baby don’t you look so stunned. didn’t I tell you that a cold november’d come? and deliver the leaves from green to red, to blowing in the wind stone dead. well I never used to notice this awful quiet, and fall was just the calm before the next spring riot. of wildflowers and lunatic rivers -sweat jumping off of the skin of love givers.

scattered leaves don’t lie, aw’ now baby, baby, quit your cryin’. like everything that ever mattered, scit-scat scattered, like every love word you heard, but that’s just the way when you walk your days in the beauty of this world. pretty little disappointments all in a row, been about a year since you disappeared through my door, and now you come back with your head on straight, but I got no love or hate left for you now.

you must be the daughter of the late, late rose – I’m november’s son and I’m here to tell you, honey, what’s done is done, cause I’ve been claimed by the wind and the rain. I ain’t going back, no I ain’t no going back again.