I have a subscription to cleaning products. If that isn’t some sign of getting old, I don’t know what is.

I should talk more to myself. Because now that I am here, I suddenly don’t know what to say. Or I don’t know where to start.

Liz got married. Over the past few weeks I learned from bystanders what an amazing and incredibly strong group of women we are. I applaud Liz for bringing us together. The female presence in the room was palpable. I didn’t quite comprehend it to this volume until we were all in this space together.  I booked us a cabin in Hyalite for her bachelorette. And I am so grateful for making more connections with these incredibly strong group of women. I applaud you.

I was moved deeply a couple weeks ago. Like I felt the earth move under my feet, I screamed and my skin crawls even when I think about it. I met Jelica Summerfield. Late at night around the campfire after most had gone to bed, Jelica and I somehow figured out that we had actually lived in the same house when I was 17 and she was 5. What makes this even more ind blowing is the validation of the abuse she endured from her parents, specifically her mother. I had worried I may have been too open but after reaching out to her, she told me it was merely validating her stance to her parents and most likely incredibly healing.

I love my steadfast family life. Chris is so fucking helpful sometimes it’s overwhelming. what a guy. I get into screaming matches with the girls occasionally, but maybe that’s part of parenting. I never realized how much I would love settling down. The timing of this is perfect. I am ready to be a mom, to this extent, but it also makes me realize I never actually want to have one of my own. I love these two girls, but I have ralized how much you actually really do give up to have kids.

It makes me realize that the past 10 years where I have spent focused time on cultivating relationships outside of intimate ones and focused on building a better me and surrounding myself with deliberate choices in people. Chris spent that time raising 2 girls. He never got to build the kind of interpersonal relationships I have now. I think occasionally he doesn’t quite understand how much I miss my friend family, or how important those things have become. Or maybe some degree of him doesn’t understand what it means to me because he doesn’t have that. Not to the extent that I do, that the people I surround myself with, I have carefully cherry picked over the last 10 years. There is a lot of quality in that.

There’s great quality in having a solid river team in your friend group. We embarked on the South Fork of the Flathead at low water. rode horses and packedour shit 28 miles to our put in. Up and over a mountain range. I couldn’t ask for a better river partner that Alex. Our journey was largely experimental. Me leading, Alex yealling at me asking which way to go, me shrugging my shoulders… I really just don’t know. What an adventure.

I met up with the crew for the rogue. Anni and I road tripped up to the river and then up the Oregon coats and it was marvelous! Being on the river with the team is freaking fantastic. We are a solid group of river running friends and we have our program down, which is so incredible. After doing a few bad trips and seeing that bad side of multi-days, I am grateful to get back on the river with this team. We runt he rivers like a well organized group, we have fantastic communication and spacing on the river and most of the logistics are fairly smooth because everyone knows what to expect.

Good lord. it had been a weird season. my soul has been fulfilled in other ways that I seeked. fuk it has been a weird year.

I didn’t burn the candle at both ends this year. I didn’t have the desire and fire to ski bell to bell. Somedays I just wanted to stay still, sit and drink coffee. Yes, I did. I never worked up the knees to be there either. I clocked in 80 ski days today, or rather. 80 days with skis on my feet. I couldn’t barely count most of those days as ski days. I barely skied the tram this year. I had but a couple ‘tram days’. I hiked the headwaters maybe twice. my soul bleeds. I’m trying to have conversations with myself about what truly transpired this year and why I wasn’t part of the action. I looked elsewhere and I would be lying if I said my souls wasn’t fulfilled. that if my being wasn’t filled to the brim with content and happiness.

I’m having daily conversations with myself about how this is ok. change is ok. maybe it’s just a shift. a glitz in time. it’s ok to step away to return to the canvas. I feel like that is what I am doing. I think most people I know are doing some kind of reset in their lives. I know I have a pretty solid one going. By all means, it’s not one of them devastating ones. I am embrasing this with all my might.

Here’s two things I know. While I was slinging chili and hot dogs out the window and skiing groomers and having massive fomo and having my timing be off on everything… I learned that I need structure. I like making tips. Shedhorn grill is just another extension of my deep immersion in the mountain community. Sherhorn is 8 minute lap, bowl bubble 5 mins.

New skis. New boots. Skis too big, boots too small. I’ve let these skis roll around in the back of my truck sicne november. I finally got them mounted. I’ve had these boots in my truck for two months, got them heat molded a month ago with custom footbeds. Been too terrified to commit to either. Finally I took them both on a journey. As soon as I laid turns down on those boots and those massive skis, it all came together. Holy shit! The boot opwers the si, my feet stopped hurting as soon as I laid them down into the ski. Holy shit! Where the ski fet too big for me to handle before, now it became a weapon. Charger.

Let’s take a moment to recognize the health benefits of being content, happy and in love.

It has been quite a while since I felt secure and confident. Since I felt completely loved and appreciated by someone. He admires me, adores me, tells me repeatedly how beautiful I am. How hot I am. Tells me he loves me like a million times a day. He has built a world around us where I feel safe. sometimes I wonder what it is that he sees in me. I see him as this amazing hunk or a stud with strong arms, successful life and ambition to get up every day and provide his girls with everything they need.

He shows me everyday how much he loves me. Not just by telling me, but also doing lots of things for me and taking care of me.

I’ve recognized that these acts of protecting my safety and taking care of me and us, is starting to have noticeable physical and emotional effects on my being. I feel whole. I feel complete. I feel content. I am incredibly happy. While I don’t feel disgruntled or my heart does not feel like it’s in a bunch, I also feel like my body feels better. Like I am automatically starting to lose weight. It just feels that way. Or even in reality, if I don’t, I somehow feel stronger and healthier. Because I am stronger in body and mind.

I want this life. I want him and I want all of it. The ready made family package and a real man who takes care of us. I had no idea I was going to find that man in him.

‘I’m so glad that last guy fucked up.’

He sure checks a lot of boxes for me. I didn’t have a box for the family life and the girls, but it seems to be working out ok. things just happen so fast.

who knows how this will pan out, but it sure is nice. He took me and the girls to the mountains and cut down trees for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a man who likes to do things for me and tells me that a man is supposed to take care of his woman. That’s how it’s supposed to be, he says. Or maybe I’ve ever been truly ready for that to be a thing. Or maybe it’s just that I come off as so strong to others that they think I don’t want to be taken care of. Chris isn’t intimidated by me.

He cut down trees for me and I find it incredibly sexy. He chopped them up, drove them to my house and helped me split them into firewood for the winter.

The more I hang out with him, I actually have found out how much we have in common. I like our conversations and I think we are very aligned intellectually as well as with our life views go. I am impressed by him in a lot of ways. I am impressed that he can be alone and doesn’t need a woman. He sure would like one, but he isn’t desperate. He is capable, smart, handy, helpful kind man who loves me very much.

He makes me feel like a queen, tells me he is a very lucky guy, tells me how beautiful I am. all the time. and I absolutely love it. He also calls me a couple times a day. just to check in. I like it. I think it’s cute.

the further away I am from Andrew, and everything that transpired between us, I see how much he hid the reality of his situation and hoped that I was simply too stupid to put it together.

I needed a distraction. I think the last time I gave it a good cry was sitting on my bed on the river bank of the salmon, next to the water on a sandy beach. I think I gave a it a good solid last cry. I am letting him go. I don’t think I have love for him anymore. I feel like I am released from the bind of loving him and being repeatedly disappointed in him. I will come to moments of missing him and being sad about who he was, what he was to me, how I let him treat me and how long I kept trying to make it work.

But I don’t really regret trying. like I said back then, I have the rest of my life to be right. I couldn’t just let go the person who was truly my soul mate in so many ways. In my previous life, I think I licked his bones clean. We were built in pairs and he is mine. He is my Hancock. He is my kryptonite.

I can love again and maybe someone can check most of the boxes. and over time, I will be happy and content, even if I didn’t get him, maybe I will have someone close to him.

with Chris coming into the picture, or rather, me finally letting him chase me, I see how fucked up my relationship with Andrew was and how much he kicked me to the curb. He treated me amazing from time to time, basically when we were alone, but there was so much shitty. way more shitty than good. Chris adores me and has been in love with me for years. It finally occurred to me a couple weeks ago what the hell am I fiting against? why do I keep shoving a cute, hot, has his shit together guy to the curd. Because he has made his intentions clear for a long time?

I finally gave in and realized this is exactly what I want. the more time I spend with him, I also find myself liking him more and more. he is a very nice guy and he would give me the world if I only let him.

I realized today. The one thing I frequently seek in my life is silence.

when I find a place or a moment in time that is silent, that is when I feel the most revelry, like ear shattering fissure in time.

I think the reason why skiing resonates with me more than anything, is the silent moments I receive. These are the moments I want to find again and again.

This is also why I love living on the island.

I don’t think I am unique in my request for silence, but I think I am unique in acknowledging how silence is the one thing in my life that keeps me together. I imagine that the need for silence might be a universal human request. Though I think mankind has long forgotten silence.

My porch is frequently silent. now I understand why my heart grows with every minute I spend on my porch.

the most silence I have ever experienced is in the mountains, surrounded by snow. especially up the volcanoes. the silence is deafening. and it is the most beautiful thing on this earth. silence.

*I want you forever*

Perhaps the most meaningful sentence of the last few years of tying to hold on.

I will hold on to that. I will try to forget everything else and hold onto that to remember you by. I don’t want to remember how you treated me. I don’t want to remember how I felt less important. so many times. when I felt like someone who could be tossed aside.

I know you have never loved anyone the way you loved me, or the way we connected together. I know you know that we were built in pairs. Something neither of us knew until we met. Like I must have licked you bones clean in previous life. You must have shipwrecked in my ocean and my tide washed you to shore. Every part of me. Every inch of me. When I am with you feel every neuron. felt.

After years of promises I see it’s time to stop being so gullible and think you will ever leave her. I don’t think I am stupid for trying. I will not be embarrassed for trying. When I forgave you the first time, when you came back with promises of a better life, I figured that I have the rest of my life to be right. Yes, I can get hurt again, but I felt like I needed to give it a shot. If I didn’t try, I would regret it for the rest of my life. Try the whole, take-you-back-forgive-believe-promises-of-better-future. You kept saying *I will fix it*. For a minute there I did see you try.

I erased you tonight.

A lot of people have a lot of things to say about Covid19.

There are more holes in me now than there have been in a long while.

I haven’t said a whole lot here. When it all started and when Big Sky Resort shut down for the season, I think I finally accepted it was real. Even before that, Trump seized travel from EU countries even tho Finland was barely affected at that point. Immediate it meant I couldn’t go home. I still can’t 6 months later. Back then I said this isn’t going away. Everyone was convinced it will. I kept asking how could it possibly go away?? But if, and when, it does, we will all be looking at a very different reality. We have been living in utopia. We still are.

My life changed. In every way. I have built my life on living internationally. What does someone do when that comes to a screeching halt? at first, for a few months, bide my time hoping we will get to travel again soon. All the while being incredibly happy and blessed of the lifestyle I chose and where I got stuck when it all started.

I lost the one I was meant to be with. Granted, perhaps I had lost him already, or I never actually had him to begin with.

I spent 3 months sitting on my front porch. Adventuring solo a lot. Me and Moose. I have had the most amazing companion by my side. I got a lot of food delivered to me. I shared a lot of porch beers with my close friends. We were doing just fine. I nailed Andrews skis to my bathroom trim, sat on my roof and gave it a good solid cry. I was disheartened and had a hard time believing I had just experienced one of the most tragic love stories of my life. Even though I actually think this love story had turned tragic from the beginning.

I never thought my dirt bag lifestyle would turn out so well during a pandemic. In some ways anyway. The Finnish embassy contacted me and wanted me to fly out. I didn’t see any point to come and sit in Finland because I knew that I have more ways to earn money here and to live cheaply off my land if things turned worse.

It seems they have turned worse. I am in this weird state of disbelief of the stupidity of the American people. This has really accentuated the.. for the love of god.. can’t even argue with the stupidity… It’s staggering. Mind blowing. I never thought myself smart but this really makes a few people stand out of the crowd. Like people I sorta know that I thought were smart.. they are now saying all kinds of stupid things. I guess I should say I am disappointed more than anything by some people I know. I am sad to discover we are dumber than I thought. I was really rooting for us.

I said in March, that when we come back up for air, I think some of us will be looking at a very different reality… In my case I was not wrong. I feel like I am at the beginning of something new. I am not sure why I feel that way. Perhaps it’s the mixed excitement of actually being stuck here, with the slight terror of what will I do for money. Do I need to find a job? Could I just stay here forever?

I guided again this summer. this is season 7. I made mad cash but somehow felt more hated than loved by my team. And then loved more at the same time. There’s a lot of soul searching on what is happening here. I feel like I am a bad or failed person. All the way around. In life. My person. My being. Who I am. What I have to offer.

I am currently trying to decide what all that means. were we simply over worked and tensions flared? I got yelled at by almost every single person I work with. Yea, I fucked up on the river too, we all did. We were also doing 3 boats a day. all of us. we were tired, angry and hungry. I want to be a better person. I’ve known that for long time. But this has just brought it out. Even if they are not. I still want to be better. I want to be that person that leaves people better than I found them.

Andrew stopped talking to me August 8th. He said *we could talk about all the fun you are having or you could tell me how messed up my life is* This is almost exactly a year since the last time I’ve seen him.

I guess at the end of the day, if you ask me at this moment: I don’t feel great. I feel like I suck and I feel like I have failed. I am a shitty person and the world would be happy to go on without me. Winning. I am at a cross roads. I can feel it. Change always makes me a little excited. I’m embracing what ever it is, and what ever format it comes in.

I got this hunger in me that I have to find a way to calm down and redirect. Currently, I want to catch on fire and I want to douse the flame. I don’t want to burn anymore. Please make me better in the end. I need better right now.

I know that whom ever I meet now will be incomplete. I know Andrew will be my kryptonite for forever. This hunger in me that will always be there. But for what? so he can show up for a week, go back to his wife (um, the one he will actually never leave…) and have me holding out for him. I met my other half in him. We were meant to be together, but never will. I maybe would have walked away from this a long time ago, if he hadn’t kept trying. If he still didn’t keep trying.

see. I’ve got some things to sort out. we all fall off a cliff sometime. I need to go sit on my boat for days now. I am launching on the ystone tuesday. I said I would. No one is holding me to it. But I need it for me. 200 miles on the horizon.

But there is still a few things that make me smile. I put on my straw hat, get in my truck, let the wind blow my hair in the dusty dirt roads and turn up the country songs on my stereo. Moose is sitting shot gun. I am happy. There is absolutely no where else on this planet I would rather be right now. I say that to myself every single day. Right here. Right now. These are the times of our lives.

This is country.

You look like an angel.

yes. Tattered, dirty river angel.

I will be your angel for a few days. and you are mine.

I rowed the middle fork. in it’s entirety. from end to end. well, duh. but yes, again, but it was a real river this time. I nailed every line and my rowing game stepped up to perform. I loved my boat. The hits were HUGE. Fucking HUGE! I am becoming a confident rower and I am incredibly stoked on being able to row like this. I row like I ski. It has taken me so many years to get to this point.

What spilled my cup over the brim was being able to share it with a like minded soul who boated with me side by side. We kept smiling at each other from the distance and smirking. he always had eyes on me and we always stuck together. He kept telling me how stupid freaking cute I looked on my boat with my brim hat, sunglasses, biting my lip and smiling at him. The first night we had sex it happened on a boat bobbing in the eddy on Tappan Island camp under the most starry skies I have ever seen. He rocked my world for several days, on and off the river. He had my back and he kept staring at my ass. Then at nights complimenting me on my pant choices. Me knowing during the day, full well, that he was staring at me. He made love to me and lingered in passionate, long kisses and whispered my name. We connected in a way that made my heart leap. Holy shit did we have chemistry.

For a few days I had a partner. In every way. At night I told him how scared I was and how I almost puked on my boat and was gagging from released anxiety after a rapid. He was always right next to me. Always helping me and taking care of me. Being absolutely the sweetest.

This was the most amazing river trip I have ever done.

Our paths are meant to go different ways. maybe we will meet again years from now. I will cherish this incredible memory for a long time.

It is oddly perplexing tho. I want to scream off roof tops what an amazing experience I had. but he belongs to someone else and I have to let it go. I wanted to have a fling and I knew from the start it would be nothing more than that. It’s a little shocking how much I miss him tho. And a little surprised that in the end our fling actually meant a lot more to me than I thought it would. I actually think it did for him too. I didn’t think I’d care that much, I just wanted to make out and have sex. On the river.

I think I fell in love a little. It’s hard not to when the whole package is all of a sudden so fucking good. The partnership. The sex. The stars in his eyes. Our big smiles to one another and silent communication. Him nodding his head at me after a big one. Him watching me hit that hole.

Motherfucking middle fooooork!!!!!

I don’t know how to talk about this. but I have to. I am not in anyway ashamed of what happened to me as a kid, nor do I need a pity party about it. I have spent my entire life coming to terms with a few small, to what may have seemed to him as insignificant acts, of a father figure that left irreparable change to my psyche.

It took me to be 40 years old until I am ready to face what happened and I am ready to outline how it dictated my entire upbringing, my belief system, outlook on sexuality and the long line of struggles I faced between the ages of 10-40. FUCK.

When I was around 10-11 I recall hating my father. He grossed me out, I was deeply disturbed to be with him alone and avoided any scenario when that might happen. He simply creeped me out. I told my relatives I hated my father. They said, oh well, you are just a teen, you will grow out of it. Even then I knew, no, this is different. I will never grow out of this, I will never love my father. But I struggled to understand why I hated him so much.

There was this one memory I recall. I must have been 6. It was my birthday and my dad cradled me and rolled me around on my parents bed. I thought it was innocent. Until a couple years later, when I laughingly recounted the story in public and remembered how fun it was. His stark reaction *No! That never happened!* left me startled and confused. and for the first time planted the seed of doubt that maybe the stuff my dad was doing to me when no one was around was not totally ok. Even I felt weird about it, but I thought this is what people do. Like waking up in my bed in the middle of the night with him patting me on the butt and spooning me in an uncomfortable way.

This fall. When I was having a coffee with my mom, we talked about some of my fathers perversions. I have always been honest with my mom about what happened, or what maybe did. I have always been able to talk to my mom, no matter how dirty the issue or dire the secret. GOD BLESS, my life for that!!! I don’t know what happened, because my body blocked me from remembering… I still to this day don’t know everything that went down… but about a day after me and my mom talked, I was hit with this memory. I have seen my fathers erection. He showed it to me. I felt like sewer. I felt violated and filthy.

I have seen my fathers erection. On display.

Let that sink in.

It might not seem so significant to some. probably not to my father. I don’t know. Does it?

I have several memories of growing up with my father that are inappropriate. Very inappropriate.

I never confronted my father, because I have never really figured out for sure what happened. but there are things I do now for certain and this is the most important reason why I am speaking of this now. LISTEN UP! THIS IS FOR EVERYONE: a small action might change someones life for forever. A hand grab, trying to squeeze in a kiss, a push against the wall, groping your genitals in front of a girl, showing them your erection, making suggestions or sexual innuendo can have life long, lasting and devastating effects to a life of any girl. Men need to understand that the small things they do, can destroy someones sexual psyche for years. It can take a life time to repair 30 seconds of indiscretion.

You fucker! You grabbed my ass on the stairs going up from the max train in Portland in September of 2001 AND I STILL REMEMBER THAT SHIT! You cocksucker that jerked off to your porn mags in the employee bathroom. You fucker that stroked your cock in the employee room thinking I wouldn’t notice. or that guy who pulled out his erection to show me on the bus when I was 12. You sick fuck. I remember EVERY INSTANCE I WAS VIOLATED. You probably don’t remember traumatizing a child who was trying to get comfortable using public transportation. I REMEMBER EVERY ONE. And every one of those instances shifted my life. FUCK YOU!

I never came forward because I remembered my first set of memories around 15-16 yrs old. They hit me like a bowling ball. They knocked the wind out of me and for a few weeks I walked around in a daze trying to make sense of what had happened. To me? This happened to me? Was it just a dream?!? Can my memory be trusted? So, when I was raped at age 16, I sorta thought it was part of the deal. Normal, for men to take what they want, I thought.

What I remember about my childhood, it is very limited, but clear enough for me to know for certain those memories are very real. I did not tell anyone because an incredibly wise shrink I saw asked me to take a moment to consider my options: to heal on my own, or to confront him, pull my family into a court case, be faced with doubt, questions and humiliation. I did not feel comfortable remembering the details as it was. let alone recount them in front of my family.

This is why most women don’t report rape. There is more shame and hurt in recounting the event. Let alone everything else that follows. The questions. The shame. This is why I chose to stay quiet. I did not want to hurt the people around me, nor did I want to go over in detail about the worst memories of my life and how I have been devastated.

Despite remembering some things, my psyche protected me from a lot of it. I was struggling to cope with life as it was, how could I ever face my entire family, grandparents to aunts and cousins.. this was not a battle I wanted to fight in public. This was  a battle that was my own and I decided to disown my father instead. I’d rather have him just go away and me move on with my life. which I did. My mom got to divorce him, so why couldn’t I?

My sister and brother kept asking questions for years to come. I kept my mouth shut. Eventually they gave in and let me have my way, let me never speak to him. I let them choose their own relationship with my father on their own. I did not want to involve them.

My father changed my entire life. I have resented him for it. The way I behaved sexually was all because of what he did to me. It has taken me 40 years, a litany of abusive relationships and unhealthy sexual encounters to realize what his small, supposedly insignificant actions did to me. Few moments of indiscretion can change someones life for forever.

When I came to terms with all the things he had done, I realized he is a fool. Too stupid to understand his impact on a small child. He was so fucking selfish he did not take a second to consider that the most minuscule action on his part could leave an ever lasting wound on a child. His perversions fucked me up and haunted me for 30 years.

I was sexually abused by my father around the ages of 7-12. To this day, I don’t remember the details. Nor do I need to. All I know is that it was wrong. and it fucked me up for the sort of sexual engagements I would have for years to come. The several abusive relationships I ended up in because I could not differentiate between love and sexual desire. I did not know what sincere love meant. or what pure lust was. It took me many many years to recognize healthy loving relationships. Today, I am blessed I have found my way and have several of those.